Fool Me Thrice, Death to You!

Is this story going to conclude with Austin murdering Carrie?!

Because he is making a grade-A ass of himself, crowing all over town about how overjoyed they are to be having a baby while Carrie stands there looking like she wants to rush back to the first safehouse and “not notice” the trap door. I know I’d go off the deep end when I eventually found out the truth, if I were him.

You know who Carrie and Rafe are reminding me of, with their “Poor us” routine and stealing all these little moments together? Belle and Shawn. And that is not okay.

I Wish I Had a Better Screencap

Um, maybe it isn’t wise for the mayor to be seen in public repeatedly striking his intern in a rage?

Then again, this is a man with a known history of raping, kidnapping, and shooting prominent members of the Salem community, and he still managed to get elected, soooo…

I’m not even going to get into the utter stupidity that was Will’s explanation of how Stefano ordered him to make sure Rafe found out about Sami’s tryst with EJ. That was such a blatant rewrite done to 1) justify the piss-poor execution of the reveal, 2) throw in a “clever twist” without regard for what we actually saw play out, or 3) a terrible combination of 1 and 2.

Big Heath Ledger Fan?

Dear Hope:

I’m not sure dressing like The Joker is going to do much to save your dear friend Lexie’s life.

What Happened in Salem: Week of May 21st

When a week begins with the revelation that Stefano DiMera is working for the CIA, you know there’s plenty of stupidity ahead…

This prompted everyone to start running around vowing to take Stefano down for good. I’ve been wondering for years why these people don’t just walk into his damn living room with a gun and shoot him at point-blank range. The door is never locked! Meanwhile, Stefano contacted the jeweler who made the coin for Santo back when Stefano was a boy, meaning that this jeweler is approximately 140 years old. That actually might explain how Alice Horton got mixed up in this whole thing, since she (having had a grown great-great grandson by the 1980s) was probably a high school classmate of the jeweler’s.

Read the rest to find out What Happened in Salem last week!

Secret: It’s the Only Card in That Deck

Was it really necessary for Celeste (or as I call her, Black Maggie Horton, since there’s no way this generic older woman was some Cajun voodoo seductress) to be playing with her damn tarot cards in the middle of the living room?

I mean, I know Theo needed to pick up the Death card so everyone could a) look alarmed and b) exhibit their continued lack of knowledge about what that card actually means, but doesn’t this woman ever just watch TV or something?!

Meanwhile, every scene involving Lexie continues to kill me. Although if she keeps having goodbye meals with the people of Salem, they’re all going to be morbidly obese by the time she drops dead.

More Pencil-Snapping, Please

I think I might finally have a use for Gabi!

She was flashing some serious crazy eyes the other day, and she’s not even remotely subtle about it. I really think she could have a future as Carly Manning 2012. I need someone to be running around Salem, huffing and puffing, barking at innocent people, and acting completely unhinged while no one notices a damn thing. Maybe she can even lecture Abigail at the spa about “therapist-patient confidentiality!”

Of Course He Is

Now that Stefano has been arrested, the Safehouse Six are once again polluting society with their hand-wringing and cockamamie schemes. As for that arrest… not so much. Which was evident the minute these idiots started crowing victoriously at Stefano.

This was basically the criminal justice system version of a Days couple declaring, “Nothing will stand in our way now!” You know what happens immediately after that? Someone’s spouse comes back from the dead and fucks your shit up.

In this case, however, we got that rare line that I never, ever expected to hear out of Stefano DiMera’s mouth:

“I rrrrrreport dirrrrrrectly to the CIA!”

I wonder if the CIA is aware that Stefano has been using the money stolen from the Basic Black pension fund for this sting operation, or that he corrupted an ISA officer and conspired to murder six people being held by the government, or that they are relying on a man who is currently running around killing people to get his hands on half a chocolate coin.

What Happened in Salem: Week of May 14th

Somehow an illegal arms deal and a fake stalking were both boring as hell. Also:

Lexie and Abe planned to sweep a group of their “closest loved ones” (a bunch of secondary characters with nothing better to do, like her younger half-brothers’ girlfriends) off to Paris. However, Lexie — dreading the possibility of spending all those hours on a plane with Celeste moaning and groaning to Cameron about how Abigail is full of “DANJA!” — faked a call from her doctor saying that air travel is unsafe, so Abe and her brothers recreated Paris in the Town Square for her instead.

Read the rest of this week’s What Happened in Salem recap now!

The Emperor Has Cheap Clothes

Serge was very upset when Brady spilled water and ruined his “one-of-a-kind” blazer that was specially made by the designer.

First of all, Serge, I’d be a little concerned if a designer’s “one-of-a-kind” gift to you was basically the costume used for The Warblers on Glee. Secondly, I know where you can get another one of those: H&M, the same place I got that exact same blazer for something like $29.

What “fashion magazine” is this man allegedly the editor of? The K-Mart Circular?

The Gay Cat is Out of the Bag

I know Salemites love a good commercial break fake-out…

…but Lucas, it might be best to rein it in when your son has just come out to you and then watched his mother run out of the apartment in a panic.

To his credit, I thought we were gonna get a “I am disappointed… [long pause]… disappointed that you didn’t tell me sooner!!!” (Shades of Lexie’s “Hope, I’m so sorry… SORRY WE TOOK SO LONG SAVING ZACH’S LIFE!!!” from years ago.) But Lucas actually had legitimate disappointments, about how this might make Will’s life more difficult, how he might face challenges he might not face if he were straight, etc. But still.

I did love Lucas asking Will real questions, about Mia (haven’t heard that name in forever!) and Gabi and how long he’s known and all that. It’s amazing how enjoyable this show is when people have conversations like normal human beings.

Sami was probably the most tolerable she has been in months when she finally gave Will that verbal smackdown he’s had coming so badly. I am so sick of him barking and snapping and sneering at her all the time. Yes, she screwed up, Will. So has your grandma Marlena. So has your dad. Shut it. Of course, then she blew all that goodwill to hell with that absolutely wretched, selfish reaction to Will’s coming-out.