The writers of this show have often demonstrated a dodgy-at-best understanding of concepts like time, space, and human logic. Like when Marlena fell 900 stories off her balcony and landed on Sami, and Sami only needed a band-aid on her forehead. Or when it would be Thanksgiving, but everyone would spend so much time running around fretting over their personal dramas that it eventually morphed into Christmas, despite still being the same day. Or when it turned out Tony DiMera was running al Qaeda and the entire war in the middle east was some scheme to ruin the Bradys.
This week, they demonstrated an inability to grasp the following concepts:
Yeah, you read that right. Face transplants. Since Phillip had one a few years ago, when Jay Kenneth Johnson came back after Kyle Brandt played the role for three years. Of course, in the interest of making the stupidest, most maddening decisions possible, Days cooked up some cockamamie story about Phillip getting his face blown off in a war and needing a face transplant. A face transplant that made him look exactly as he had looked in high school, but we were supposed to pretend that no one in Salem recognized him in his “new” face.
So this week, when he and Chloe got to reminiscing about their high school days and flashed back to the Last Blast Dance, he looked like this in their memories:
And while having said flashbacks in the present day, he looked like this:
(Okay, this is a slightly old picture, but his hair always looks this monumentally stupid these days.)
Why don’t we just go ahead and say Harry Potter put a charm on him, because it’s about as plausible as anything else in this ridiculous scenario. I guess we’re doing the same thing we do with Phillip’s prosthetic leg, which is to forget it exists even though someone who’s been through something so life-changing would be a much deeper character than “spoiled, dimpled rich guy who keeps marrying women who love other men.”
Also, why is 50% of this man’s body artificial?
I think I need a brain transplant now.
TRANSPORTATION (also: HAVING A NEWBORN)
At the end of Thursday’s episode, Chloe told Maggie she had to “run an errand” (in the most unconvincing lie since, uh, last time Chloe told a lie) and frantically ran from her apartment to Maggie’s to confront Melanie. When Friday’s episode began, they were sitting on the couch in Chloe’s apartment beginning the same conversation. Are we to believe that Chloe raced over there to see Melanie and then, before discussing what she so desperately needed to discuss, asked her to return to her apartment and relieve Maggie of babysitting duties? Or are we teleporting now?
And then, like a truly concerned mother of a newborn, Chloe freaked out again, told Melanie and Carly that she had to “run an errand”—though this time she did specify that she was out “out of diapers and formula and everything” before telling some people to watch her baby and fleeing her home. And, like all mothers of newborns who do this, she was attired in four-inch heels, a mini-dress, and seven pounds of makeup.
I did have a nice guffaw when Melanie said she knew something was upsetting Chloe because Chloe “turned pale” at the mention of Daniel and Phillip’s fight. Does this look like a woman who could ever appear to be pale?
What did she turn from, mahogany to dark orange?
THE MEDICAL PROFESSION
Lexie called a specialist and was able to get Johnny in to see him right away. Yeah, right! Has anyone who works on this show ever tried to see a doctor? Seeing patients is the last thing they want to do, especially when it’s convenient for you! Okay, maybe that part is me projecting based on, oh, every time I have ever made a doctor’s appointment.
However, all this idiocy was redeemed by one little exchange:
EJ tells Johnny that he should be excited about the holidays and the upcoming visit from Father Christmas. Johnny, little ham that he is, rips into him with, “He’s called Santa, STUPID!!!”
The most reasonable individual on this show is a three-year-old. That… actually sounds about right.