Archive for December 2010

I’ll Take a Stocking Full of Dog Shit, Please

December 24, 2010

Are they seriously having little Johnny’s eye removed as part of this cancer storyline? Yikes.

They’re handling it well (i.e., not making a huge joke of it, like they did when Phillip lost his leg), and retinoblastoma is a serious condition that affects young children — Matthew Ashford’s daughter had it — but cripes. What a downer.

Salem kids are really having the worst Christmas ever. Let’s review:

JOHNNY: You’re losing an eye!

CIARA: Your mom is in prison, and you can’t even visit her because she’s in solitary! Oh, and Daddy ditched you for Christmas to go save her!

THEO: Still autistic!

SYDNEY: You have to be in four thousand scenes a week in which your parents and Rafe and Nicole just keep saying your name over and over!

PARKER: You’re bonding with a daddy who isn’t really your daddy! And your real daddy has terrible hair!

WILL: Sorry, but you’ll never get past second base (even though you’re like 18 and hot as shit) because all your scenes have to revolve around your idiot mom and her problems!

ALLIE: You exist?

(Does it disturb anyone else that 57% of the children on this list belong to Sami?!)



December 23, 2010

Because of the Grand Rule of Contrivance, also known as “EJ is a big, mean bully and also a joyless motherfucker who can’t do anything but scowl even when his cute-ass kids are romping around being adorable,” Nicole had to choose between her relationship with Brady and being a part of little Sydney’s life. In a surprisingly intelligent move for a Days character, she and Brady staged a break-up, and she moved into the DiMera mansion. (Typically, she would have broken up with him but not told him why, and he would hate her for a while, and they’d spend the next six months running into each other, but right after she announced, “I need to tell you the truth,” EJ would waltz in and interrupt, and Brady would never bother to be like, “Um, what truth are you always mentioning?”)

Now Nicole and Brady are carrying on a secret relationship. I think this is supposed to be exciting and sexy, and if you’d pitched me this story, I’d totally think it would be. While I appreciate any opportunity to gaze upon Brady’s strangely hairless torso, it’s difficult to get on board with characters who are so stupid that “sneaking around” entails having sex in other people’s living rooms and then basking around in the afterglow for hours because “no one is home right now.”

Shockingly, someone saw them through the window and took photos. I would say they’re lucky that the nanny didn’t walk in and that the butler is nonexistent. Or, you know, that the people who live there–from whom they are hiding their relationship–did not arrive home.

Meanwhile, we have a serious contender for Line of the Week:

Victor: “I don’t text. Besides, ‘text’ isn’t even a verb!”

Orange You Glad It’s Christmas?

December 23, 2010

If I ever go to prison, I hope that I, too, get to run around bashing other inmates over the head with a bag of oranges while screaming, “MERRY CHRISTMAS, BITCH!!!”

Difficult Concepts

December 19, 2010

The writers of this show have often demonstrated a dodgy-at-best understanding of concepts like time, space, and human logic. Like when Marlena fell 900 stories off her balcony and landed on Sami, and Sami only needed a band-aid on her forehead. Or when it would be Thanksgiving, but everyone would spend so much time running around fretting over their personal dramas that it eventually morphed into Christmas, despite still being the same day. Or when it turned out Tony DiMera was running al Qaeda and the entire war in the middle east was some scheme to ruin the Bradys.

This week, they demonstrated an inability to grasp the following concepts:


Yeah, you read that right. Face transplants. Since Phillip had one a few years ago, when Jay Kenneth Johnson came back after Kyle Brandt played the role for three years. Of course, in the interest of making the stupidest, most maddening decisions possible, Days cooked up some cockamamie story about Phillip getting his face blown off in a war and needing a face transplant. A face transplant that made him look exactly as he had looked in high school, but we were supposed to pretend that no one in Salem recognized him in his “new” face.

So this week, when he and Chloe got to reminiscing about their high school days and flashed back to the Last Blast Dance, he looked like this in their memories:

And while having said flashbacks in the present day, he looked like this:

(Okay, this is a slightly old picture, but his hair always looks this monumentally stupid these days.)

Why don’t we just go ahead and say Harry Potter put a charm on him, because it’s about as plausible as anything else in this ridiculous scenario. I guess we’re doing the same thing we do with Phillip’s prosthetic leg, which is to forget it exists even though someone who’s been through something so life-changing would be a much deeper character than “spoiled, dimpled rich guy who keeps marrying women who love other men.”

Also, why is 50% of this man’s body artificial?

I think I need a brain transplant now.


At the end of Thursday’s episode, Chloe told Maggie she had to “run an errand” (in the most unconvincing lie since, uh, last time Chloe told a lie) and frantically ran from her apartment to Maggie’s to confront Melanie. When Friday’s episode began, they were sitting on the couch in Chloe’s apartment beginning the same conversation. Are we to believe that Chloe raced over there to see Melanie and then, before discussing what she so desperately needed to discuss, asked her to return to her apartment and relieve Maggie of babysitting duties? Or are we teleporting now?

And then, like a truly concerned mother of a newborn, Chloe freaked out again, told Melanie and Carly that she had to “run an errand”—though this time she did specify that she was out “out of diapers and formula and everything” before telling some people to watch her baby and fleeing her home. And, like all mothers of newborns who do this, she was attired in four-inch heels, a mini-dress, and seven pounds of makeup.

I did have a nice guffaw when Melanie said she knew something was upsetting Chloe because Chloe “turned pale” at the mention of Daniel and Phillip’s fight. Does this look like a woman who could ever appear to be pale?

What did she turn from, mahogany to dark orange?


Lexie called a specialist and was able to get Johnny in to see him right away. Yeah, right! Has anyone who works on this show ever tried to see a doctor? Seeing patients is the last thing they want to do, especially when it’s convenient for you! Okay, maybe that part is me projecting based on, oh, every time I have ever made a doctor’s appointment.

However, all this idiocy was redeemed by one little exchange:

EJ tells Johnny that he should be excited about the holidays and the upcoming visit from Father Christmas. Johnny, little ham that he is, rips into him with, “He’s called Santa, STUPID!!!”

The most reasonable individual on this show is a three-year-old. That… actually sounds about right.

Pop Quiz, Hotshot

December 14, 2010

Your husband kicks you out of his home for various and sundry betrayals. Do you:

a) retreat in order to formulate a plan to convince him you are trustworthy and win him back?

b) accept defeat and try to move on with your life (which theoretically should not be too hard, since you have been married like 6 times before and also were homeless for a while)?

c) put on no fewer than 28 strands of your finest Mardi Gras beads before resuming your pleas for him to forgive you?

If you are Salem’s resident prostitute-turned-business mogul*, Kate Roberts-Dimera, the answer is clearly c.

This woman is just– I can’t even.

*Thank goodness Nicole is currently a reporter and Billie is out of town, or you might not have known who I was talking about.