Horton Hears a WTF

Posted March 16, 2017 by mykleraus
Categories: Days of Our Lives, Soap Opera, Television

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What could possibly be more comforting than a crew of recently discovered relatives taking you to the biodome named after your collective family to ply you with baked goods and regale you with stories of said family’s criminal endeavors and incestuous near-misses?

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It looks like Eli’s going to fit in just fine with the Horton clan. Because any sane person would’ve been like, “Uh, what do you mean, Aunt Marie dated her own brother??” and bolted for the hills. But nah, he was just like, “LOL, gimme another donut.” And he made that observation about Julie being both Hope’s (step)mother and (half-)sister way too calmly.

Which isn’t to say that I didn’t enjoy these scenes. I could’ve done with actual flashbacks, but I loved getting all the Hortons in one place. The way the characters and actors clearly relished telling all those old stories was delightful. Having Lucas talk about his own experience coming into the family as an illegitimate relation was great. Jennifer’s strange attempt to match Julie and Doug’s color scheme while also evoking Valentine’s-themed menswear kept my mind racing the entire time. But it was all a little… easy, no? There’s obviously (deserved) tension from Eli and Julie toward Valerie for having kept this secret so long that Eli will never get to know David, but where’s the rest of the conflict? This is like Eli’s fourth episode, and the secret is already out and he’s assimilating into the family just fine. This isn’t a story so much as “clearly batshit young man finds kindred souls in family completely undisturbed by incredibly fucked-up situations.”

Run Away With Me

Posted March 14, 2017 by mykleraus
Categories: Days of Our Lives, Soap Opera, Television

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Nicole Walker. You are on the run with a baby (at least it’s technically yours this time). There is an Amber Alert out. You used to be on the local news. You are wearing a terrible wig, which is the exact thing anyone would expect you to be wearing. So why in the holy hell are you “hiding out” in the open, in a local park, which as we know is one of the favorite destinations for Salemites at any time of day or night?

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I expect this of Brady, on account of his long, storied history of being an idiot, but you should know better. For shame!

Are these two trying to get caught? And how have they not yet been? Deimos found them and just let them waltz out. Brady went to the mansion, admitted to Victor that he was helping Nicole — BTW, why did he have to go to the mansion to get cash for her? Doesn’t he have a debit card? — and then headed back out. He’s even stupider than I thought if he didn’t account for someone having him followed, and Victor is an absolute moron if he doesn’t have someone tail Brady. Basically, none of these people are qualified to feed themselves, let alone care for children or successfully pull off being fugitives.

Meanwhile, some stuff is happening with Chad and Sonny and “antiquities,” but I’ll be damned if I can recap it, let alone make fun of it, because every time they start talking about this war among the families or whatever, I might as well have the adults from Peanuts talking on my TV for all I’m taking in.

What Happened in Salem: Week of March 6th

Posted March 11, 2017 by mykleraus
Categories: Days of Our Lives, Soap Opera, Television

Nicole’s stupidity made it very hard for her to be on the run with Holly. Meanwhile…

Raines warned JJ and Lani to keep their personal lives out of the police station, but luckily for them, he didn’t mention anything about helping family members cover up murders… Eli realized that, as a minority in Salem, he has to make every scrap of screentime count, so after a week-and-a-half of not appearing, he forced Valerie to tell Julie the truth about his paternity… Eduardo continued to hound Kate, a woman who has tried to kill multiple lovers in the past, to date him, and also offered to help Chloe track down the baby… Eric declined Jennifer’s job offer but was heartened to learn that Nicole has a daughter… Hope decided to pay attention to her daughter for five minutes and urged her to talk to Claire about their issues.

Check out the full recap to find out What Happened in Salem this week!

Contrivance is a Dancer

Posted March 11, 2017 by mykleraus
Categories: Days of Our Lives, Soap Opera, Television

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I was all set to applaud the show for having Abigail dressed the way a normal person would be on the way to a workout class (because, for some reason, this is so rare that it’s actually worth noting and celebrating)…

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…but then she and Gabi inexplicably came home from their belly-dancing class in full regalia. And this happened.

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I– I just… what?! It seems like the writers got the note that everything was rather dull and boring, so instead of revamping the stories themselves, they just started injecting these random moments of insanity into episodes. Think about the fact that Abigail and Gabi went to one belly-dancing class at the Y dressed like this and inexplicably ready to perform a full routine. I did love Gabi’s remark about the instructor: “What does she know? She teaches belly-dancing at the Y!” — which was immediately undercut by every single thing about the circumstances.

You could also see them trying to figure out how to play out this scenario in 2017 on a show that’s largely geared toward a female audience. “Well… it should be the women’s decision to perform the dance, not the men forcing them… and the dealer should be respectful of the dancing, so let’s say that his dead wife was a belly dancer…”

It was all almost as ridiculous as Hal screaming, “NOOOOOO!!!” so loudly that it echoed throughout the entire hospital. Or thinking that Kayla tried to kill him by tricking him into having a liver transplant.

But then you see stuff like this, and it’s no wonder they’re trying to pump things up a little.

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They had Eli crash David’s funeral, force Valerie to tell him the truth about his paternity, and privately visit David’s casket so that Lani could see him. Naturally the next step is to… drop this storyline entirely for a week and a half, then have Eli and Valerie tell Julie the truth the next time we see them. WTF? They were pretty good scenes, despite taking place in the middle of the Pub with no buildup at all, but think about how it would’ve been if Lani had told JJ what she saw, and JJ mentioned it to Julie, who thought it was weird, and Valerie tried to cover, etc. But why bother with suspense when you can get the story beats out of the way as quickly as possible and then have Doug show up dressed as a circus clown or something?

Hair-Brained Schemes

Posted March 8, 2017 by mykleraus
Categories: Days of Our Lives, Soap Opera, Television

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If you needed any further evidence that the one-two punch of Daniel and Deimos managed to strip Nicole of her intelligence, I give you Exhibit Z.

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Great idea: when you go on the run with a kidnapped baby, “disguise” yourself as… the way you looked the last time you kidnapped an infant. This couldn’t possibly go wrong! She must’ve been banking on the description Chloe gave the police being nothing more than “short, terrible hair.” Actually, come to think of it, they’ve never explicitly stated that this is a wig… Normally I’d expect a wig-related disguise on this show to be, like, a very conspicuous black bob. So maybe it’s just supposed to be another awful iteration of that mess Nicole calls hair.

All that aside, is her brain leaking out of her ears, or what? She should be embarrassed at herself for falling for that grifter’s hideously un-subtle manipulations. That was like the worst possible version of a sequence from Gone Girl that actually worked very effectively. And who in the hell decides to relax by taking a bubble bath… by leaving a sleeping baby in a carseat on the bed… and closing the bathroom door? I have a dog, and I leave the bathroom door open when I shower just because. And I don’t even know what to do with the fact that in the time it took Nicole to take a bath, dry off, and get dressed, those criminals only made it as far as The Alley. Were they just moving super-slowly for fun?

And please don’t get me started on the absolute idiocy of Nicole sobbing to herself that Chloe wouldn’t let such a thing happen to poor Holly. Chloe, who approximately 12 hours ago left her hotel room door ajar before phoning room service so that she could be chloroformed and her baby could be kidnapped. Chloe.

Come on, Nicole. Get it together.

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Meanwhile, with Nicole on the run, Joey realized one of her prior dreadful hairstyles was up for grabs, and he pounced on it. It’s also possibly the same hair that Adrienne is sporting in the midst of her chemo anguish. Is this some passive-aggressive way of trying to turn off White Jade? Because if anything might do the trick, this could be it.

What Happened in Salem: Week of February 27th

Posted March 5, 2017 by mykleraus
Categories: Days of Our Lives, Uncategorized

Good choices abounded, per usual…

Nicole pleaded her case with Chloe, who presented her with a restraining order. Nicole did what any sane person who’s been kept from her child because of her past crimes would do: chloroformed Chloe and kidnapped Holly. They went on a tour of Salem’s swing sets redressed as motel rooms, as an Amber Alert went out. In the midst of this panic, Deimos took the time to henpeck Brady about whether he’s in love with Nicole, which Brady denied.

Read the full recap to catch up on What Happened in Salem this week!

If These Walls Could Talk

Posted March 2, 2017 by mykleraus
Categories: Days of Our Lives, Soap Opera, Television

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…they’d probably be all, “Please don’t hit me! I’m made of cardboard!”

Lots of set-related business going on this week. While this might not seem especially noteworthy, dedicated viewers of 2017 Days realize that any time we set a new or long-dormant set, that’s a significant expense for the show, so it’s either a) a revamped version of one we already know, b) something we are going to be seeing a lot of in various logic-perverting scenarios, or c) both.

So: Rafe’s house is back, and in addition to his kitchen (f.k.a. Maggie’s kitchen), he now also has a big-ass bathroom.

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I felt the same way trying to get through these scenes, Rafe.

It’s nice! It’s very large! How the hell are we going to justify spending another thirteen episodes’ worth of scenes in here? Please tell me the answer is not “lots and lots of intimate ‘Rope’ scenes.” Honestly, they might as well have just held Chloe and Nicole’s custody hearing over Holly in here, because it’s larger than whatever the hell broom closet they actually held it in. Hold tight for the scene where that rascal Dario rents out the Hernandez bathroom to the city of Salem to make some extra cash on the DL.

It’s also apparently that time of year when everyone in the DiMera mansion hangs out in the living room again, as opposed to that tiny study upstairs (?).

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“Wait… This place looks different…”

Looks like Harold went along with Henderson to the opening of that new Pottery Barn to pick out some new furniture. It’s about time they overhauled this place (though it’s kind of hilarious that the portrait of Stefano remains — I’m sure the show did it as a tribute to Joe Mascolo, but do Chad and Abby actually want that thing hovering over them all the time?). It definitely gives the room a lighter look, and I’m just relieved that the Sex Couch is gone, though I’m sure this one will be soiled soon, too. And check out the complicated, aggressive arms on that green chair just behind Chad! It’s like someone sawed Thomas’s baby gate in half and glued it to the end of the chair.

Who knows how long any of these will last, but it’s always fun to play along. And it makes me wonder what we haven’t been seeing or won’t be seeing for a while. Hope’s house appears to be gone for the time being. Steve and Kayla’s living room hasn’t been seen since Adrienne’s cancer diagnosis. Eric has apparently shut down the bedroom where Hope suffered through typhoid fever (good call) and now hangs out in the living room of the farmhouse, which is maybe the living room from Chloe’s place in “Chicago,” a place known for its rustic log-cabin architecture. And we also have the teens’ apartment in the rotation now. It’s been a bit since we saw the Horton living room, and I can only pray that the next time it pops up, Jennifer has taken the guidance of the DiMeras and Kiriakises and finally replaced the damn couch that Ciara was raped upon.

But never fear, for there is one constant in Salem: everyone will be hanging out on that godforsaken bench just off the Town Square until the very last sand flows through the hourglass.