Archive for May 2013

What Happened In Salem: Week of May 20th

May 29, 2013

The newest Horton came into the world amidst a whole bunch of insanity…

On a tip from Vargas about how Jensen once hoped to get a job in a location that sounded kind of like an island, Hope figured out exactly where to find everyone and rushed to Smith Island. Will was transported back to Salem, where word of his shooting spread. He underwent surgery, and his loved ones awaited word on his condition. Gabi and little Arianna Grace were checked out and pronounced to be fine, and family gathered around to meet the newest addition… except Mrs. Hernandez, who didn’t want to go anywhere near this hellhole of a town or her accident-prone kids.

Read the rest to catch up on What Happened In Salem last week!


This is Going to Bite Me in the Ass

May 26, 2013

Those Kristen/John scenes on Friday were fantastic. Ever since EJ pointed out that John clearly still loves Marlena and then we saw John conflicted and turning over his wedding ring, I can at least begin to sympathize with John a bit in all this.

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Weird choice for Kristen to dress up as April O’Neil on the night before her wedding, though, wasn’t it?

I also loved Marlena confiding in Abe and musing that it must seem so ridiculous for her and John to be separated over relatively trivial things when Abe lost his wife to cancer. Such a nice touch.

But most importantly — finally, after TWO MONTHS of the damn thing being passed around — Marlena saw the photo of Kristen and Sy! And it was all kicked off by little Johnny drifting off into a flashback of looking at the photo, which is so amazing that I want it to happen every day. He gave the best Soap Opera Distant Stare ever.

Just to balance out all this gushing, how horrendous was JJ’s stoner friend?

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When I say “horrendous,” I actually kind of mean “delightful,” because between that hair and that accent, I was riveted. I’m glad we get to enjoy this low-rent remake of Pineapple Express. On the upside, though, they actually bothered to make it nighttime in Salem. It’s amazing how much more dramatic that can make things, even when those things are “two random teenagers wandering around town and some tires being slashed offscreen.”

Welcome to the World, Arianna Grace!

May 24, 2013

Nice to meet you, Arianna Grace Hernandez Fallon Horton Whatever.

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Can I just gush about everything I love here?

  • I love that, 48 years after this show debuted, we’re watching the great-great-granddaughter of Tom and Alice Horton be born. (Also the great-great-granddaughter of Shawn and Caroline Brady, actually.) Side note: Arianna Grace is the third Horton great-great-grandchild. Scotty Banning, son of David and grandson of Julie, was born in the 80s and then SORASed so ridiculously that he would be in his 50s by now. Ciara Claire Brady, daughter of Shawn and grandchild of Hope, was born in 2005 and has been out at sea with her idiot parents for like four years.
  • I love that this has been a full-out umbrella story with a real climax. This wasn’t such a Will/Sonny/Gabi/Nick story. It’s roped in Sami/EJ, Rafe/Kate, Hope, Vargas, Lucas, Stefano, Justin — and the best part is that even though the whole Smith Island adventure (with Jensen, Will getting shot, and Sonny having to deliver the baby) was totally climactic, it doesn’t tie everything up with a bow and deflate all the tension. Vargas is still putting pressure on Nick, the baby’s custody is still up in the air, and more. This is truly the best-crafted and most impactful story since the Sami/Nicole baby switch of 2009.
  • I love seeing Sami and Lucas toast to being grandparents (!!!) and tease each other about being old. These two are so great when they’re getting along but there’s that snippy tension right underneath.
  • On a similar note, I love Kate and Marlena trying to wrap their heads around the reality they are great-grandmothers. Kate has got to be the hottest great-grandma ever, amirite?  Poor Roman being left out, but he’s probably used to it by now.
  • I love all the drama of people hearing about Will’s shooting, reacting to it, and then waiting by his bedside for him to wake up. Sooooo soapy.
  • I love that yet another story wound up hinging on Ciara and an envelope! Is she destined to be the Evil Postmistress of Salem circa 2020?

I’m just going to sit here basking in the glory of all this and pretend that next week won’t have me diving for the vodka.

DiMera: The Next Generation

May 21, 2013

I’m not sure anything as amazing as this will ever happen on this show again.


Johnny is such a little DiMera! He managed to steal the contents of Ciara’s Special Envelope without her even noticing. I’m not sure in what universe a bunch of little kids are this obsessed with envelopes, or with black-and-white photos of two adults basically having a conversation, but it seems fitting that these kids be this demented, giving their upbringings.

(I didn’t know why that GIF isn’t showing up for me, since it shows up when I preview the post and when I click on the ‘broken image’ link, so try clicking on it if it isn’t showing for you. Stupid DiMeras!)

What Happened in Salem: Week of May 13th

May 21, 2013

A rare and shocking event (the hospitalization of a loved one, which never happens) rocked Salem…

Rafe was left clinging to life after a mysterious assailant beat him with a lead pipe in the conservatory. Just kidding — we can’t afford a conservatory, just a crappy alleyway with a fence and a dumpster, and actually, that wasn’t a lead pipe, just a paper towel tube colored black with a crayon. He was rushed to the hospital and placed into a medically induced coma, and all of Salem held vigil in a way not seen since the passing of Alice Horton.

Read the rest to catch up on What Happened in Salem last week!

Do It Again, Doc

May 20, 2013

Who knew there’d come a day when Marlena got to act as the audience’s surrogate?


This a-hole has had that coming for months. Seriously, what is John’s deal? Did he get brainwashed again and nobody noticed? His plan is idiotic, and he doesn’t even seem conflicted about the possibility of hurting Marlena and Brady. At this point, I’m relieved he wants a divorce. Marlena should slap him 400 more times and then go get with Ol’ Lawnmower Mouth (Roman). 

I know it’s a bad idea to try and work through Salem Logic, but indulge me for a second here. John wants a divorce, and Marlena exclaims, “But we just got re-married!” You did? Is she talking about that rushjob of a hospital wedding they had in 2009 before they left for Downtown Europe? First of all, that was four years ago, and secondly, we just had a whole “story” last year about how John and Hope’s marriages were invalid because they secretly got married in Alamainia as The Pawn and Princess Gina. Work through this with me:

  • Hope-as-Gina kidnapped and brainwashed John into being “Father John” after his 1999 wedding to Marlena. She stole him away from their honeymoon, in fact. Did they (off-screen) go to Alamainia and get married then? Because if so, John was already married and it would have been invalid.
  • All of John and Marlena’s marriages turned out to be invalid when Marlena’s first husband, Alex North, turned up in 2006. So does the invalidating of that J&M marriage actually make the imaginary John/Hope wedding valid?
  • I know there was some throwaway line tossed out a few months ago about how John and Hope’s Alamainian marriage got all cleared up or something, but are we supposed to believe that John and Marlena — people who made a grand entrance and basically demanded a standing ovation at a Town Square dedication that had nothing to do with them — went and had a quiet little offscreen wedding after all that? (Also, does that mean Bo and Hope aren’t really married, or does the fact that they recited some vows to each other in Victor’s living room when no one else was there now count as an actual, legally binding wedding?)
  • Regardless of timing, did no one in Alamainia think it was weird that a priest and a chain-smoking nutjob came in to get married and just wrote “The Pawn” and “Princess Gina” on a marriage certificate, like those are legal names?

I need a drink.

What Happened In Salem: Week of May 6th

May 14, 2013

Sami continued to make everything worse for everyone (including us). Meanwhile…

Will admitted to Rafe that Nick is trying to keep him out of the baby’s life because he is gay. This was the final straw for Rafe, who is fine with his little sister being married to a mentally ill convicted murderer, but not a homophobic mentally ill convicted murderer. But shortly after Rafe confronted Nick about his motives, Rafe was strolling along in an alley and got bopped over the head and knocked unconscious by an unseen assailant.

Check out the rest of this week’s What Happened In Salem now!