Archive for January 2013

The Glass is Half-Full… of Estrogen

January 30, 2013

Plus side: the women of Salem are getting some great, meaty material.

Tuesday’s episode in particular featured some pretty fantastic woman-versus-woman showdowns. Kristen and Nicole are pure gold, throwing each other’s past misdeeds back and forth like grenades.

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Less golden (aside from the unnatural tone of Chloe’s skin):

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I mean, whatever. Stop talking about Daniel for 15 minutes, both of you. No 1 curr.

And then we had this surprising confrontation between this pair of sisters mother and daughter:

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Billie has been so underutilized during this return, and that has never been more evident than in those scenes of her tearfully telling Kate that she can’t keep working with her if she’s going to be so hell-bent on revenge, because it’s taken Billie all these years to learn that the healthiest thing for her is to let go. The conflict made perfect sense: Kate has gotten to where she is because she’s been a fighter, but she’s also messed up her kids’ lives in serious ways with her dirty tactics. If Lisa Rinna has to go, this “come to Jesus” twist with her and Kate is a great way to do it.

Which brings us to…

Down side: These women are being paired up in terrific scenes and stories because there are no damn men.

For over-40 women, we currently have Maggie, Marlena, Kate, Hope, Jennifer, Billie, Kristen, Kayla, and Adrienne. For men, we have… Victor (bonus points for his use of the term “brazen hussy,” btw) and Daniel. John has left town. Roman and Justin are practically invisible. Bo is literally invisible. Stefano has been locked in a poorly decorated room in Germany for six months. Jack is dead, and Steve took his offscreen deadbeat story from two years ago. I forgot Abe existed until I was editing this post. This is a sad state of affairs. Can I get a Mike Horton or a Bill Horton or a Peter Blake or someone with a penis up in here? At this rate, they’re going to be renaming it the DeGeneres Town Square.


What Happened In Salem: Week of Jan. 21st

January 26, 2013

While Chloe tried in vain to come between Daniel and Jennifer, there was another couple in Salem who refused to be rattled by literally anything:

John informed Marlena of his plans to depart for Europe immediately, since the last time he traveled there was such a stress-free respite from his daily life. Marlena was devastated, which brought Kristen great delight. John vowed to both Kristen and Brady that he is going to find some way to convince Brady how awful Kristen is, but come on — he also married Madison. What’s a little attempted murder and psychological warfare when you were prepared to spend your life with that? Meanwhile, Nicole showed up at Kristen’s hotel room to confront her and/or swap tips on passing off someone else’s baby as your own.

Read the rest to find out What Happened In Salem last week!

He Should Probably Move

January 26, 2013

Eric doesn’t want to work with Brady and Kristen on the church board anymore because their behavior is “tacky.”

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Which I get — it is — but then how does he justify spending time with his mother, his twin sister, his employee who used to go by the professional name of Misty Circle, etc.?

Also, did anyone else crack up at him lecturing Brady about “the public nature of your fistfight with your father, John”? I get that the guy suffered a head injury not too long ago, but unless I missed a letter from Alice Horton in my safe deposit box, I’m pretty sure he’s aware of who his father is.

“Where Are You Going?” “I Have No Idea.”

January 23, 2013

I love having Billie around, just because it gives Salem some texture and because it’s fun to see a face from the past even if she doesn’t have a story, but she is literally just wandering around town helping move plots along at this point.

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Yesterday two people overheard her leaving messages for Kate, enabling them to scurry along and advance the story. Maybe send a text next time instead of screaming private things in public places? Did they teach you such innovative forms of discretion in ISA Spy School?

The way she’s just weaving through Salem aimlessly reminds me — in a very distant way — of one of my favorite clips ever, from the late Guiding Light. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that this is THE WORST THING EVER AIRED ON TELEVISION. Just watch the scene that begins 50 seconds into this clip (the link should jump right to that scene), starring our very own Crystal Chappell, a.k.a. Dr. Carly Manning. I can never get enough of watching these two actors completely improvise a scene with no point and then just wander off camera once they get bored. At no point during the writing, filming, or editing process did someone go, “Um, this is awful and clearly has zero purpose other than to take up screentime?” Any time you think Days is bad, WATCH THIS.

What Happened In Salem: Week of Jan. 14th

January 21, 2013

While several lives were ruined at St. Luke’s (which pretty much happens every time people go to that church), the truth about Parker’s paternity was also causing trouble in Salem:

Kate — the woman whose family tree can never be full enough, no matter how many other women carry her embryos or how many stillborn swamp grandchildren turn up alive — was determined not to let Parker go. She vowed revenge on Chloe for… not having known the paternity results had been switched? Or something. Armed with information that is sure to blow up in her face, Kate revealed to Jennifer that Chloe had been a prostitute before leaving Salem. Jen was compassionate toward Chloe. However, Nicole overheard the conversation and ran to tell Chloe that Jen knew the truth and was probably telling Daniel right at that moment.

Read the rest to find out What Happened In Salem last week!

Midweek Musings

January 17, 2013

I appreciate that they’ve found a way to call back Chloe’s prostitution story in an organic but not-so-dark way. But:

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What’s that saying about people who used to sell their bodies on glass street corners? Someone should probably remind Kate of it.

Also, isn’t this like the third or fourth time that Philip had a kid and then had to give it up? I’m not sure who has worse luck, him or Nicole. If the two of them got together, do you think all the children in Salem would spontaneously explode?

Everything Was Beautiful and Nothing Hurt

January 16, 2013

I am so happy right now, and it’s all because of this:

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They actually went to the trouble of doing a real wedding for Gabi and Nick! We had St. Luke’s and actual guests and formal clothing and DRAMA! Chad interrupted the wedding, Nick tried to cover, people milled around gossiping and trying to suss out the truth, and finally, Will had to come clean in front of the whole church. And then there was more.

The fallout has been grand, too. We’ve had gems like:

  • Sami screaming at Gabi and referencing how she recognizes this routine because she pulled it herself;
  • Rafe getting pissed and blaming Will for Gabi ever thinking about the abortion;
  • Victor referencing how this was almost as bad as the time Carrie broke up Sami’s wedding to Austin by exposing the truth about Will’s paternity;
  • Lucas trying to make Will be accountable for his part in this while projecting his own regrets about his own teen fatherhood;
  • Victor hilariously guessing that Maggie’s insecurity came from “a distant in-law in cheap cruise wear”;
  • Kate cutting Billie off before she could say “great-grandmother”;
  • Nick overhearing Lucas admitting that he went to jail to cover up Will shooting EJ;

and MORE. This has been so damn good. When was the last time we had a bride in a white dress breaking down in hysterics on this show?

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The answer: Too damn long.

I’m deliriously happy with this show right now. Even with the immediate fallout over, there’s so much spark in Salem — especially with both this and the Kristen/Brady relationship having hit climaxes that are now echoing. There’s a life to the show that wasn’t there a month ago, and it’s so damn nice. On Wednesday’s episode, we had unexpected treats like Chloe and Kristen meeting and Hope’s hilariously weird “straight from the horse’s mouth — and by horse, I mean that B-I-T-C-H Kristen!” Kate is being used, Billie is insanely wandering around town behind her mother, and we even got Stefano on a phone call berating Kristen and referring to Brady as an idiot. Not to get ahead of myself (but I always get ahead of myself), but if this momentum keeps up, 2013 might be as good as 2009-10 were.

Meanwhile, I don’t know if someone on the writing staff shares my sense of humor, but there were two hilarious callbacks to Days comedy gold this week. We got Cameron channeling the spirit of Carly Manning to lecture Abigail about doctor-patient confidentiality, and there was this:

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I have no idea if anyone else on the planet remembers this, but I will never get over the time Julie bellowed, “I HOPE WE’RE NOT TOO LATE!” as she and Doug made their return to Salem by barging into St. Luke’s in the middle of Roman’s funeral. (Also, I think they brought a tiger with them, in case anyone wanted to hold a circus in the midst of a serial-killing spree, and we know how that turned out.) I’m just going to pretend that the Days writers are reading this blog, determining what I find hilarious, and finding ways to integrate those things back into the show. Dear writers: if this is indeed the case, I really loved the time Marlena tumbled off the terrace, fell 900 stories, bounced off an awning, and landed on Sami. A reenactment of that is probably the only thing that could make this show even better than it’s been this week.