Archive for April 2012

What Happened in Salem: Week of 04/23

April 30, 2012

Lexie’s tumor gave everyone the chance to react make it about themselves:

Stefano was devastated to learn that not only is Lexie dying, but her brain tumor is probably his fault because of the time that EJ, I mean Tony, I mean Andre, I mean Stefano locked her in the tunnels beneath the DiMera mansion. How can that non-story have been rewritten so many times and make less sense every time? What is this tumor, John Black?! And if Lexie got a brain tumor from being down there for six months, has Tek turned into a mutant by this point, since he never came out of there? Abe, of course, threatened to kill Stefano, yada yada, while news of Lexie’s prognosis spread through Salem.

Find out What Happened in Salem last week now!

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“I’m Going to Be Mean to You, Young Lady”

April 27, 2012

Jeez. Even Gabi’s stalker is boring.

The note basically said, “I’m gonna trip you on the sidewalk, Model Girl!” Ooooh, I’m quaking in my boots. Even as Melanie read the damn thing, you could see her thinking, “Um, what a lame stalker.”

I know Gabi made the whole thing up, but that’s actually even sadder. She can’t even stalk herself in an exciting way? Where are the dead animals and the blood and the profanities?

There Is No Hope For Love

April 24, 2012

Ah, Lucas and his invisible fiancée from Hong Kong, Autumn. Let us all remember them in happier times–

–the times of one-way phone calls, of Lucas telling people about Autumn, of Sami not being able to remember her name.

Because that’s all she wrote, folks. Yesterday, during a commercial break, Autumn dumped Lucas over the phone. He was upset for about twelve seconds, though it only took four or five before he resolved not to even bother trying to get her back. Yes, this love story for the ages has come to an end.

Like most things in present-day Salem, Lucas “returning to Salem with a fiancée” turned out to be totally underplayed and largely inconsequential. It had almost no impact on story except that he wasn’t immediately free to jump into bed with Sami. Could he not have been a little more torn? Couldn’t we have seen him resisting Sami because he wanted to make it work with Autumn, whom I imagine is very nice but kind of boring? I really wanted to see her show up in Salem (played by Tamara Braun — no, I’m not even kidding; I think it would be hilarious to keep casting her in small, short-term parts) and then go psycho with jealousy over Lucas’s bond with Sami. You can never have enough psychos running around.

But, instead, it looks like it’s time to say goodbye to Autumn. Farewell, you invisible woman of indeterminate race and age. We hardly knew ye.

I’ll Carrie You With Me (Har Har)

April 24, 2012

Could someone please explain to me when Rafe had the opportunity to snap this photograph of Carrie on what was ostensibly yesterday so that he’d have something to gaze at on his phone?

“Hey, I know you and your husband summoned me to dissolve our business, but could you pose for a picture first?”

She Would Have Pronounced Herself Dead Already

April 24, 2012

Not gonna lie: when Lexie received confirmation that her tumor is, in fact, inoperable and it dawned on her that she is going to die in a matter of months, I got emotional.

Abe and Lexie have been a staple on this show, through the ridiculous and the insulting, for a solid two decades. Theo is a familiar kid who we’ve seen struggle with an actual real disorder. So to think of that family being torn apart by something (theoretically) irreversible is pretty devastating.

Meanwhile, she invited the half-brother whom she literally does not know at all to be there for her appointment with the brain tumor specialist. Two minutes into the Carvers’ scenes today, I Tweeted something about “How long until Ian is revealed to be Cameron’s father?” — half as a joke. But I mean, how many older white men are running around town who wouldn’t require a total retcon to have fathered a kid with Celeste some 18 to 35 years ago? (Not that that’s ever stopped them before, but you know.) So then, all of a sudden, Celeste and Cameron are hanging out at Sonny’s unnamed coffee shop — it doesn’t have a name, right? — and guess who should walk in behind them…

None other than the Whore and the Vampire! Of course, there wasn’t time for a moment between Celeste and Ian, because Kate overheard the news about Lexie and ran out to go tell Stefano. Look, Kate, I know the woman invited a total stranger to her doctor’s appointment, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s okay with you blabbing her very personal information to her relatives! Then again, if Ian bites her and drains her blood, she won’t have to worry about that tumor anymore.

Meanwhile, does Ian realize how many millions of dollars it’s going to take to replace all of Kate’s accessories? The crucifixes alone will bankrupt him.

What Happened in Salem: Week of April 19th

April 22, 2012

Stefano and Kate acted out a scene from Real Housewives (spitting, table-flipping) in the middle of the mall, and everyone was handing out job offers like cheap Anastasia eggs:

Ian stunned Madison by saying that he’ll give her a divorce. Madison, having recently used all her brainpower to dream up the brilliant plan of packaging Mad World products inside Basic Black tote bags, saw nothing odd about this and scampered off to be with Brady. Meanwhile, Lucas came upon Kate unloading to Ian about her breakup with Stefano. Ian was sympathetic, since his heart was just as broken when the Princess of Translyvania left him back in the 13th century. Lucas recalled having met Ian as a kid, though it really could have been any of the thousands of men skiing in and out of Kate’s French Alps back then. Later, Ian shocked Madison by offering Kate a job alongside her at Mad World.

Check out the rest of this week’s What Happened in Salem recap!

Moe, Larry, and… Bitchy?

April 21, 2012

One might have hoped that, in the midst of advising Sami on how the hell to run a business, EJ might also have told her that wearing an applique that strangely resembles the Three Stooges might not have been the best choice for her first day as CEO.