Archive for December 2011

What Happened in Salem: Week of Dec. 19th

December 27, 2011

A wedding in a mall seems like a low even for this show, no? Meanwhile:

Daniel continued to have more shakes than a 1950s diner and decided to take himself out of surgical rotation. Maggie was relieved when he promised her that his test for myasthenia gravis came back negative. She gave him some cufflinks for Christmas, and Daniel cried because they were so ugly such a nice gesture.

Check out the rest of last week’s recap at MyHourglass.

Jonas Family Fashions

December 22, 2011

I enjoyed last week’s scenes of Daniel and Austin bonding, but are they already so close that Austin felt comfortable lending Daniel his cheapest, tackiest red dress shirt?

Meanwhile, questionable fashion choices might be hereditary, because it seems that Daniel’s daughter forgot something when she left the house.

Dear Melanie: Fishnets do not count as pants. Please try again.

What Happened in Salem: Week of Dec. 12th

December 20, 2011

In this week’s What Happened in Salem recap, our heroes recovered from a trying hostage situation by… well, by acting as stupid as ever:

Everyone went spa-crazy, signing up for self-defense classes and whatnot. Gabi got a job as Quinn’s receptionist. And since the nursing profession is known for offering too few hours, Melanie took on a second job at the spa, administering Botox and other cosmetic treatments (perhaps in honor of her departed mother). She will have to quit her job at the hospital in order to keep up with Marlena’s needs!

Head on over to MyHourglass to read the rest!

Subtle As Always

December 18, 2011

Melanie: I know you aren’t worried about your MG test… My results came back perfect, and I know yours will, too! Fate wouldn’t do something so cruel to such a good surgeon.

Never in my life have I encountered such subtle foreshadowing!

Meanwhile, I appreciate that they’re actually depicting everyone’s concern about how the kids are coping in the aftermath of their hostage situation, since people in Salem usually act like such occurrences are roughly on the same trauma level as Starbucks being out of pumpkin scones, but it’s a little weird how the kids’ PTSD is mostly manifesting itself as obsession with inappropriate romantic prospects.

“Oh, Austin, you’re such a hero! It was so amazing how you beat up those guys who were doing… something bad or whatever.”

I Should Probably Stop Asking Questions

December 16, 2011

I know, Carrie. I feel the same way.

Can we talk about the complete and utter lunacy that was Carrie’s little aside to Austin about how she’s been texting with her mother? Last we saw, wasn’t Anna on the run from the law because of that little incident in which she kidnapped Sami’s infant daughter? Didn’t Carrie visit Salem and apologize profusely to Sami on behalf of her mother? So now they’re texting?

What do those texts even look like?

hi luv, got a kicky new scarf and giant sunglasses 4 a disguise 2day. xoxo mom

That’s great, Mom! I just took the American bar exam in Zurich and passed! Don’t worry, I won’t tell my entire family of police officers and international agents where you are!

And then she and Austin took a walk to the Horton Town Square and did this:

Isn’t that tree in a public place? FOR THE PUBLIC? These people are such egomaniacs. “Of course the people of Salem want to see OUR NAMES on their tree!” She really does take after Marlena.

Also, has Carrie just been carting around custom Christmas ornaments with her, Austin, and Anna’s names on them in case she comes across a tree on which she’d like to hang them? This show is SO WEIRD, you guys.

Hide Yo’ Kids*, Hide Yo’ Wife**

December 15, 2011

*Whom you secretly fathered.
**On whom you cheated to conceive said child.

Because Kayla the Destroyer is BACK!!!

I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before this bitch is running around like the town crier, barking out everyone’s secrets all over the pier and the Square.

Note to Sami, current keeper of a Big Secret: That whole vow-renewal thing seems like a spectacularly bad idea now. Aunt Kayla is going to be all over that dirty E.J. couch sex you had like a bloodhound on the scent. And you know how she loves to bellow secrets in the church vestibule!

This Show is Breaking My Brain

December 15, 2011

I don’t know which was more troubling to me:

That insane “press conference” in which EJ was clearly speaking to an empty room while being filmed by an MTV camera operator from 1986–

(Seriously, what on God’s green Earth was all that?! Also, I literally have no idea what is going on in this mayoral race storyline. I think I caught something about Jennifer urging Abe to play a little dirty, like EJ did by… beating him to a press conference about an important cause? I’m going to pass out from the sheer drama of it all.)

–or the fact that it took me several seconds to recognize this structure upon which EJ and Nicole were sleeping and sexing:

“That couch sure extends out far from the wall! Is it always covered in blankets? Are they lying on separate cushions? Oh wait — I think that might be a bedroom. Isn’t that what poor people have when they don’t have foyers and living rooms with fully stocked bars?”