Archive for November 2014

What Happened in Salem: Week of Nov. 24th

November 29, 2014

While Will became another victim of the black hole that prevents husbands away from Salem from texting or calling…

As Melanie reunited with family, friends, and ex-boyfriends, she announced that she is moving back to Salem. Though she insisted everything was fine, she still had to take several breaks from preaching the Gospel of Dannifer to shift her eyes around nervously and look at the wads of cash in her purse, suggesting that everything is not, in fact, fine. Then she went to surprise Abigail at the home of Ben, Abigail’s new boyfriend whom she has never met, and burst in without knocking just as Ben dropped his towel, giving her a full view of his Poplar Bluff.

Read the rest to refresh yourself on What Happened in Salem this week!


The Walls Are Closing In

November 29, 2014

Well, this was… I’d like to say unexpected, but given the way Paul has been doing everything short of scrawling I LYKE GURLZ on the wall of his hospital room, it was pretty clear there was something going on under the surface.

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But I’m pleasantly surprised that they went for an exciting twist from the get-go here. Paul and Sonny having a history (at least, I presume that’s what this means — that or he just locks random men in rooms and kisses them, which is not okay) jumpstarts the story nicely. Plus Sonny is all vulnerable, since Will is too busy to send his husband a damn text message. And I’m still impressed that we’ve come so far that a male-male kiss can be the Thanksgiving cliffhanger.

In other news, did Oprah recently visit Salem? “You get an apartment, and you get an apartment, and you… lose your living room and get a weird little study!”

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It’s nice to have a few new sets (even if there’s no universe in which Ben deserves an apartment of his own while people like Marlena and Hope are homeless), but I’m already tired of Chad just spending his whole life hanging out in this random room. On the plus side, it has erased the need to have someone yell, “I’ll get it, Harold!” every single time the doorbell rings.


November 26, 2014

Hey, Daniel: if you have to ask your friend if it’s okay to bang his ex —

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— then it’s not okay. Go stick your orange dick in a coma patient and leave Eric alone.

Meanwhile, I’m not mad at Melanie’s return so far…

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…but if every time she’s alone she takes the opportunity to look at the cash in her purse and then move her eyes around all shifty-like, this is gonna get old fast.

What Happened in Salem: Week of Nov. 17th

November 22, 2014

There were a bunch of scenes involving Clyde that I didn’t bother to recap because they were so vague and nothing ever happens. Anyway…

On Eve’s orders, JJ tried to break up with Paige, but like that stubborn piece of chewed gum on the bottom of his shoe, or that booger that just wouldn’t un-stick no matter how many times he flicked it, she wouldn’t budge. A furious Eve stormed over to confront JJ, and Jennifer caught them mid-argument and demanded to know what was going on.

Read the full recap to find out What Happened in Salem this week!

Ewe Sicken Me

November 22, 2014

I cannot tell you guys how genuinely giddy I was when Ewe Search made its triumphant return to the screen.

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They honestly put more effort/money into the graphic design of this fake search engine than they did into either of Will’s magazine covers, which were designed by Theo, an inkjet printer, and some old pinking shears. And while I appreciate the way that Hope and Aiden are able to talk through their issues, didn’t anyone find it weird that Chase somehow knew Hope’s maiden name? The kid can barely figure out which direction to run to “meet up with his friends” who are “just over there,” but he grasps the concept that, 30-odd years and five marriages to the same man ago, Hope had a different last name that would make the Ewe Search results more complete? Okay, sure.

Meanwhile, totally normal teenage girl Paige continues to fret to her friend, Mary Beth II: Electric Boring-loo, about her mother’s sex life.

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If I were on the fence about whether to like Daphne (I’m not — she has already annoyed the crap out of me in her two appearances), I certainly would have been tipped into the No category simply because her response to Paige was not, “Ew! Stop spending so much time thinking about who nailed your mother!”

I will grant, though, for as much as Paige sucks, a lot of the stuff surrounding her has been good. JJ and Abigail’s conversation about Jack was great — the actors work very well as siblings when Abigail isn’t written like his 85-year-old aunt — and the Jennifer/Eve stuff is always fun.

God Grant Me the Serena-ty

November 21, 2014

Details and thoughts on a new character arriving in Salem soon… hidden behind the cut for the spoiler-phobic.


Stream-of-Consciousness Tuesday

November 19, 2014

Now there are just random children wandering around the woods proclaiming what a Good Man Daniel is? Ugh.

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I have to hand it to the writers, though. If there’s anything that makes me want to go back to the days of Eric yelling at Nicole for what a terrible person she is, it’s having to watch Daniel scream at her about throwing a football wrong.

And then you have Marlena, bopping around the hospital with hair that looks like she let one of the grandchildren do it —

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— and telling Jordan that she knows Jordan has something burdening her, and if she wants to talk about it, of course whatever she told Marlena right here in the middle of the hospital with a zillion (okay, five) people milling around would be totes confidential.

For what it’s worth, though, Marlena and Abigail’s confrontations with Anne were pretty hilarious, especially Anne telling Abigail, “I know you have the morals of an alley cat!”

It sure was nice of Sami to leave her bountiful amounts of leather behind when she left Salem.