Archive for May 2011

Subtle, Carly

May 27, 2011
ABIGAIL, YOU HAVE TO RESPECT DOCTOR-PATIENT CONFIDENTIALITY! KATERINA VON LEUSCHNER IS MY PATIENT! BUTT YOUR NOSY ASS OUT OF THIS! NO, THERE IS NO REASON I AM CLUTCHING KATERINA’S PILL BOTTLE AND TALKING LOUDLY TO MYSELF ABOUT NOT GETTING CAUGHT! THERE IS NOTHING TO BE CAUGHT DOING! I AM JUST TIRED! WHAT’S THAT? OH, I AM JUST SHAKING BECAUSE I HAVE NOT EATEN AND I HAVE WORKED A 900-HOUR SHIFT! AFTER THIS, I THINK I WILL TAKE A WALK TO THE PIER AND TALK TO MYSELF AND HOLD THIS PILL BOTTLE — WHICH DOES NOT BELONG TO ME, AS IT BELONGS TO KATERINA VON LEUSCHNER, WHO IS A PATIENT OF MINE AND THEREFORE WE MUST RESPECT HER PRIVACY! AND IF YOU DON’T, I WILL SNAP YOU LIKE THIS DAMN PENCIL! I MEAN, ER– I CAN’T LET THIS WEDDING HAPPEN! CHLOE, YOU HAVE TO TELL DANIEL THE TRUTH! I SHOT MY OWN DAUGHTER!!!
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What Happened in Salem: Week of 05/23/11

May 27, 2011

This week’s What Happened in Salem recap is now up over at MyHourglass. A short excerpt:

Taylor sashayed all over the place (okay, the park and the pier) acting like a sanctimonious twit. She and EJ made out a little, and then Nicole finally got her to admit that she’s in love with EJ — and Taylor acted like a huge bitch, basically accusing Nicole of having trapped EJ. Okay, whatever. When they said they were going in a new direction with the recast, I didn’t expect that direction to be “stupider and more insufferable than before.” At least I could believe that the last Taylor was just dumb as a box of Chloe. I swear, this show should be retitled “Be Careful What You Wish For.”

I’m Coming For You

May 24, 2011

That’s right, you jackass. You’d better run.

Is there a more sanctimonious idiot anywhere within the Salem city limits these days? Yeah, Taylor, I’m totally on your side here. Your sister is forcing her husband to remain married to her rather than leaving her for you. What a bitch!

You know who else is on my shit list?

You’re right to look horrified, Lexie, because I’m coming for you next. I seriously do not understand this woman’s unbridled support for the EJ/Taylor relationship, which is snooze-inducing at best and vomit-inspiring at its worst. Why isn’t she blaming EJ for being stupid enough to enter a loveless marriage with a woman who screwed him over once? Why is she acting like Taylor has any right to intrude upon that marriage? If she cares about her brother so much, why does she want him with a woman who sees no problem with stealing her sister’s man, and if she cares about Taylor, why does she want her to be with a criminal whose romantic allegiance changes every six months?

I don’t understand what we’re supposed to be rooting for here, aside from Nicole maybe hitting all these people with a bus. Just awful.

More Exciting Than the Time Marlena Was a Serial Killer!

May 20, 2011

There’s a lot of business afoot this week! Let’s get to it:

  • As you’ve probably read all over the interwebs by now, Days has fired Head Writer Dena Higley and replaced her with the team of Marlene Clark McPherson and Darrell Ray Thomas, Jr., effective immediately. I’ll go more in depth about this over the weekend, but I think we all sort of knew this was coming… The ratings are further in the toilet than Chloe Lane’s dignity, and Ken Corday hasn’t had a big The Plan to Save Days! in at least two years. I haven’t found Higley’s current (well, most recent) run to be as terrible as many people online seemed to, but I’m excited about this nonetheless.
  • I’ve been asked to contribute a column to the MyHourglass community, which is the best place I’ve found for discussing Days with fellow viewers. Seriously, they’re sane, they’re funny, they love the show and love to make fun of it — check it out! I’m going to be posting a weekly bullet-point recap over there called What Happened in Salem. My first entry is up now! Head over there and say hi to the crowd.
  • During some recent flights, I watched a pair of Days episodes from 2007, and I’m working on full-out recaps for those episodes. Those will be going up in the next few days. Seriously, guys, if you thought Higley’s work was boring…

Spoiler Alert (In My Pants)

May 13, 2011

This isn’t a spoiler so much as casting news coupled with a heavy dose of rumor-mongering and speculation, but I’ll put the bulk of it behind a cut nonetheless.

First off, this young man — Freddie Smith, presently recurring on 90210 as Marco — has just signed a contract with Days.

(more…)

Victor Didn’t Mean It Literally, Chloe

May 10, 2011

It’s a classic tale.

Boy meets girl.

Boy charms girl, who has been drunk for six weeks nonstop, into joining him back in his hotel room.

Boy slips out of the room while girl is in the bathroom fixing herself up, leaving her an envelope of cash.

Now, I have a few observations here:

  • If the typical john was going to look like Quinn, I’d be a prostitute in an instant.
  • Quinn left her cash after paying her bar tab at the Cheatin’ Heart? She’s been there drinking since, like, March. That tab had to be at least $15,000! I think he earned some free sex.
  • How good was this sex if it lasted five minutes?!
  • Can we discuss his thighs in that pic up there?
Clearly, this is the beginning of a beautiful love story.

J. Lo Does Days

May 9, 2011

Hola! It is I, famous recording artist, acclaimed actress, and sweatsuit mogul, Jennifer Lopez! I don’t know if you are aware of this, but I am a big fan of that telenovela Days of Our Lives. So when Ken Corday called to ask if I would play Carmen Hernandez, Rafe’s other never-before-mentioned sibling (Dios mio! Did these people grow up in a clown car?), I… well, I laughed in his face. But then I offered to make a special song for Days. I’m sure you have all heard my smash hit single, “On the Floor,” off my brand-new album LOVE?

If not, well, here is a special remix I made especially for Days of Our Lives. Ladies and gentleman, I give you…

“ON THE PIER”

It’s a new generation
Of Salem scenery

If you’re distressed, you gotta go to the pier
If you’re adulterous, then go to the pier
If you’re a billionaire, hang out on the pier
Executives on the pier,
Titan works on the pier

One bench!
No extras!
And a lamppost!

Take your body and drop it off the pier
If you’re an unfit mom who keeps drinking beer
Dust off your gun and
Throw it off the pier

The park, Chez Rouge, Kiriakis mansion!
Maggie Horton’s kitchen, Java, Brady Pub for dancin’!

Talk the night away
Spend your life just standing on the pier
Walk the night away
Everything is just next door to here

La la la la la
La la la la la la la la la
Today we gon’ hang out on the pier
La la la la la
La la la la la la la la la
Today we gon’ hang out on the pier

A masked attacker will grab you on the pier
It’s always empty so he will have no fear
If you’re a criminal, plan schemes on the pier
Talk out loud to yourself
No one overhears

One bench!
Some stairs!
This water’s quiet!

I’m getting ill, I’m getting sick of the pier
They never quit, they never rest that damn pier
If I ain’t wrong
We’ll have a wedding there this year

The pub, Chez Rouge, and the nurses’ station!
Maggie Horton’s kitchen, Java, the DiMera mansion!

Talk the night away
Spend your life just standing on the pier
Walk the night away
Everything is just next door to here

La la la la la
La la la la la la la la la
Today we gon’ hang out on the pier
La la la la la
La la la la la la la la la
Today we gon’ hang out on the pier