Archive for October 2011

What Happened in Salem: Week of Oct. 24th

October 31, 2011

This week’s What Happened in Salem recap is up at MyHourglass!

However, Sami engaged in some idiocy of her own when Austin, preparing to sleep on the couch, spilled water on his boxers, removed said boxers in the middle of the living room of an apartment where three young children reside, got caught naked by Sami, and then fell on top of her in a move so awkwardly choreographed that it made Fay falling down the stairs look like a scene from “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.” Rafe was not pleased. Carrie, calling from the set of the noir movie she is apparently filming (seriously, what is with those blinds in Switzerland?!), was disturbed to find out that Austin is staying with Sami.

What other ridiculousness took place last week? Give it a read to find out!


A Really Riveting and Important Plot Twist

October 25, 2011

It’s possible I’m being a touch sarcastic in the title of this post.

I might not be the best person to comment on this, seeing as how I can barely stay awake while this show is on lately, but this whole “Alice has a secret and that secret is that her lawyer is terrible at lawyering and also that Maggie has a child out there somewhere” thing is feeling like a big fat bust to me. First of all, why did it all have to move so quickly? Not that I want to encourage anyone at Days to drag anything out, because God knows I have had my fill of people having the same conversation for a year on end with a thousand “I know what’s going on here!!!” fakeouts sprinkled in there, but there was basically no suspense to this reveal. “Gran had a secret bank account… and she wrote Maggie a letter… and we found the letter in five minutes… and now Maggie has read the letter and knows the truth!” Scintillating. Why not just eschew story-writing altogether and have people receive expository messages from pigeons that explain everything they need to know?

The rest of this is spoiler-y, though it’s featured in this week’s promo and is also about as thrillingly executed as the stuff I just discussed.

And I know what you’re thinking, but no, that picture is not a spoiler and Maggie does not hit her head and wake up with amnesia that makes her think she is a Pilgrim.


What Happened in Salem: Week of Oct. 17th

October 23, 2011

This week’s What Happened in Salem recap is now up at MyHourglass!

Marlena stormed over to the DiMera mansion and gave Stefano a stern talking-to, since that has worked so well in the past. He refused to admit to having framed John. John was furious that she’d gone over there, which wasn’t entirely unreasonable; with her track record, it’s a miracle she didn’t wind up kidnapped or brainwashed on the way from Point A to Point B. A brick with a death threat was hurled through the window of the townhouse. Someone should really tell those Occupy Horton Town Square protesters that violence is not the answer.

If you can stomach reliving what happened with Marlena, John, and those strawberries, check it out now!

Even Their Sex Games are Boring

October 20, 2011

Carrie and Austin have been experiencing some marital tension since returning to Salem, you guys. But it’s not because of this, as you might expect:

That wide red collar outside the suit jacket is giving me serious Saturday Night Fever vibes. Is he trying to impress the SEC folks by showing off the Eurotrash sophistication he picked up while away from Salem?

But no, Austin’s sartorial choices are not what’s causing problems here. Instead, it’s the case in which they are working on opposite sides. In order to focus on their marriage, Austin planned a romantic evening in their hotel room, which led to this:

…which included him suggesting, “Let’s just be Austin and Carrie, and not Defense Attorney and Forensic Accountant.” I’ve heard of roleplaying, but that is an awfully specific fantasy! Do they even have websites for it?

However, it also led to this:

Which, good for him. He needs all the redeeming he can get after that Bee Gees get-up.

What Happened in Salem: Week of Oct. 10th

October 17, 2011

This week’s What Happened in Salem recap is now up at MyHourglass!

Bo and Hope continued their investigation by asking Jennifer and Maggie, “Can you think of any secrets Gran might’ve had?” Wow, crackerjack work there, you two. Shockingly, this did not produce a break in the case.

Check it out!

Salem Serial Killer Poem. No, Really.

October 14, 2011

I present the following Salem Serial Killer poem without comment… except for the following comments:

1. I found it on a message board in January 2004. I have no idea who wrote it, but whoever you are, you are my hero.
2. I have routinely been trying to cram the phrase “She not through!” into various pieces of writing for the past almost-eight years.
3. Please observe how the Roman one makes it sound like Marlena married Kate.

Marlena Evans took a gun and gave Abe Carver a deadly one…
Marlena Evans took a rock and gave Jack Deveraux a deadly shock…
Marlena Evans took a bottle, knocked Maggie’s noggin at full throttle…
Marlena Evans baked some bread, which Caroline ate and wound up dead….
Marlena Evans stuffed a bird, with Cassie’s body we all heard…
Marlena Evans took the cake when she sliced up Roman after marrying Kate….
Marlena Evans unleashed a beast, with which Tony it had a feast….
Marlena Evans, she not through, soon the entire town of Salem will be dead too!!!

Back in Business

October 13, 2011

Hey there, Caroline!

It was nice of Melissa and Nathan to send you that kimono from Japan. Oh, what’s that on your foot? A boot? What happened?!

So Caroline tells some story about how the workmen left the floorboards out of place, and she got up in the middle of the night and tripped and fell. Any normal grandchild would’ve been like, “Oh my gosh, that’s horrible! Who took you to the hospital? Are you going to sue?” Sami, being Sami, was like, “Oh, that sucks. Anyway, can you watch my kids while I go do ‘work,’ i.e., sit around the Pub and spar with Kate?”

How fortunate for Sami that she found a job that requires some of her favorite pastimes. Maybe she can go for the trifecta by crying to Rafe to test out some Mad World mascara.

Meanwhile, over in the Town Square, there was an impromptu mayoral debate — I know — hosted by Terri Seymour, a.k.a. Simon Cowell’s ex, a.k.a. the woman with the most annoying voice on the planet. I don’t know how the candidates or any of the eleven people gathered to witness this debate didn’t grab her head and start slamming it into one of the tables in an effort to get her to stop talking like a dying British horse.

This whole mayoral race is too damn much for me. Why can’t Abe just be like, “Um, you are a known rapist who admitted to holding a man hostage and replacing him with a crazed doppelganger and who also faked his own daughter’s death“? You would think that might carry some currency with the people of Salem.

You would think.