Posted tagged ‘Salem Style’

Cheers ‘n’ Jeers

June 27, 2017

Can I just say how delighted I am by this welcome home party/Horton Center fundraiser/festival of narcotics going on at the Martin House this week? I don’t necessarily mean “delighted” in a positive way, but at least I’m giggling a lot. I mean, there are actual extras, which always thrills me, and you had that amazing fake-out cliffhanger of Hope screaming, “You can’t drink that!” in the middle of Eric’s speech, only to return from commercial and learn that she didn’t want him to toast with water because it’s bad luck, plus Deimos dressed up as Colonel Sanders/Drew Donovan and not being recognized by people who were six feet away from him.

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This reminded me of when Jack showed up to the Horton Town Square opening with a beard and stood within earshot of Jennifer and Maggie, neither of whom recognized him because, you know, facial hair. I also can’t really handle/comprehend the insanity of Deimos taking the time to whip up a totally new formula for Halo — a formula that has completely different effects than the old one. That one made people black out and feel wretched, whereas this one… makes you horny and goofy, which just seems like a completely different drug to me, but hey, what do I know? I’m no CEO or drug kingpin!

I did legitimately enjoy the younger characters babbling all drunkenly at the end of the episode, though. Can we have more of that? It gave me shades of the Great Pot Brownie Book Club Incident.

A lot of things Abigail does these days confound me, but showing up to this party dressed like some sort of Elizabethan-era hussy (you know, exposed shoulders) is really up there.

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This is actually a way more flattering photo of the dress than anything that appeared in motion in Tuesday’s episode. She had more ruffles going on than Maggie Kiriakis dressed up to sob over Daniel in her living room.

Jade was also working a similar silhouette earlier in the week, but with fewer ruffles and 100% more bra strap.

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I don’t really know that White Jade (as opposed to the original Jade) seems batshit crazy so much as deeply, troublingly stupid, in that she doesn’t seem to have any sense of normal human behavior or consequences, but I sort of enjoyed her interactions with Eric on Monday’s episode. Any time they put two unlikely characters in a scene together, I at least wind up paying attention, and Greg Vaughan was definitely playing the subtext — since it wasn’t actually in the dialogue — of how Eric had a “sex” (rape) tape made of himself that destroyed his life. I’d have liked for a little more of that to be actual text, but it was an interesting tie. Jade could still fall into the river and I’d never ask where she went, but at least I felt like focusing enough to find out what was going on in these scenes!

Once You Go Black…

June 25, 2017

I know I’ve been ragging a lot on how retirement-age John Black seems to be the only agent the ISA wants for anything, but let’s just take a moment to reflect on how great his hair looks now that he’s stopped coloring it.

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I love John the most when he’s, like, being a dad and talking about the Cubs and “That’s a fact”-ing, so this going gray really works for him. It’s almost enough for me not to be irritated about these endless scenes of him leaving on another damn mission and promising Marlena he’ll be back soon and blah blah. Hasn’t this been going for like four hundred years?!


Always Be My Baby

June 22, 2017

After this entire months-long baby Holly debacle, Days managed to “redeem” Chloe in the span of an episode, which was actually pretty impressive.

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“No, Nicole, your hair, uh, it looks great. It’s beautiful,” she lied, as only a true friend would.

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Oh, wait. No, it wasn’t that. That’s dialogue that not even Dame Judi Dench could’ve gotten through without bursting into laughter.

But that emotional exchange between Chloe and Nicole worked really, really well, I thought. Chloe’s talk about the voice in her head that kept telling her it was wrong to keep Holly from Nicole added some much-needed depth to this whole thing, and the mere act of doing the right thing and leaving Holly with Nicole actually worked for me in terms of wiping away months of ickiness between the two women. I might be in the minority, though, in that I didn’t think Chloe needed a ton of “redeeming” here. The setup was contrived as hell, but she carried that baby and then genuinely feared leaving her in Deimos’s care. She told Nicole repeatedly that all she had to do was end things with Deimos — a man exhibiting signs of being a controlling, callous psycho at every turn — in order to have the child, and Nicole refused. When Nicole finally broke up with Deimos, right before the actual custody hearing, there was evidence that Deimos had tried to bribe the judge. Why should Chloe have believed Nicole then? And don’t get me started on Chloe apologizing for Brady being shot. She didn’t force Nicole to kidnap that baby, or Brady to go along with her, or Deimos to hire Xander, or Xander to pull that trigger… That’s like blaming Trader Joe’s for the pizza binge I went on last weekend, because they were low on thin-sliced chicken breasts when I went shopping earlier in the week, so by Sunday, I had nothing left to make for dinner and obviously my only remaining choice was to order Domino’s and shame-eat the entire thing. Uh, yeah. Let’s blame Trader Joe’s. And Chloe.

Anyway, this entire thing was sloppily written at best, so much so that it’s tough to dissect anyone’s motivations or actions in a clear way because there were ample amounts of contradictory evidence right there onscreen. But at least it’s over, and Nicole has her baby, which is something most of us have been rooting for since 2009 even though she is really trying my damn patience these days, and Chloe can head off to New York for a bit and then come back and be treated like an actual human being by other Salemites.

Time to Face the Past

June 16, 2017

This week, we were reintroduced to Anjelica Deveraux — mother of Justin’s oldest son, Jack’s former stepmother, and the person currently out to steal the Spectator. And while I always appreciate a bunch of historical references, I confess that I was a little distracted, for two reasons. The first is that of course her office in New York City is that godforsaken blue room, and the other is, uh…

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I literally cannot tell if this woman is supposed to be 42 or 75.

Look, I make it a rule not to talk about the actors’ physical appearances, aside from styling. Wardrobe, hair, and makeup are all elective, so they’re fair game, but I think it crosses a line to harp on people’s bodies. But then I’m like… isn’t this styling? Because that ain’t the face she was born with. I know that there’s an insane amount of pressure upon people, especially women, in Hollywood not to commit the heinous sin of actually aging, but I kept being pulled out of the scenes by the fact that it looked like she was struggling to speak through an extra layer of stuff glued over her actual face. And that blazer, which is definitely fair game.

As for Anjelica’s reappearance: we’ll see. Seeing her and Steve trade barbs was moderately fun, and Morgan Fairchild can do bitchy very well. I like that they dug into her affection for Jack, too, but this all seems rather random without Alexander in the picture, yeah? Still, it’s something fresh, so let’s see where they go with this. If history is any indicator, it’ll probably just be that same damn room redressed as a hotel, but hey.

Going to the Blue Room and We’re…

June 15, 2017

This week, Kate Roberts joined an, um, elite group of Salemites.

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Actually, it might just be her and Doug: people who have married both a parent and child. Doug married Addie and then Julie, and Kate — who has already bagged a father and son in bed (Stefano and EJ), possibly twice if we grant her and Eduardo some offscreen sex — has now married both Stefano and Andre. And if there’s anyone who deserves to be married to a two-time serial killer, it’s certainly Kate. Congrats?

This marriage is beyond contrived, though. The board of DiMera Enterprises, which was happy to have international supervillain Stefano DiMera as its head for years, cannot possibly abide “mentally unstable” Andre as CEO, and they’re ready to disband the entire company one day after its current CEO has been announced as missing. Meanwhile, Kate — who has been the CEO of said company previously — cannot possibly be trusted to do the job unless she has a piece of paper saying that she’s married to a DiMera, because, uh, reasons?

Whatever. At least it gave us this, which is potentially the most insane wedding ensemble in Salem history.

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I still don’t get why it was any skin off this judge’s back whether this was a “legitimate” marriage or not. It isn’t like they’re trying to defraud the government. Let these two old psychopaths get married and be out of the dating pool.

Technical note: what’s with all the references to and jokes about how many times Kate has been married? I count four (Curtis, Victor, Roman, and Stefano), which is a lot for a normal person but pretty standard, even low, for someone in Salem. She hasn’t even had that many botched wedding attempts. I expect better barbs from a salty queen like Andre.

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And then you had Abe and Hope receiving the major shock of seeing their son and granddaughter, respectively, doing the deed in a video. Which is, of course, upsetting, and as a (grand)parent, I would’ve wanted to talk to them about it, too. I could’ve done with a little more acknowledgement of the gray area that it isn’t some morally reprehensible act to film sex, provided everyone involved is consenting, but that there could be unintended consequences. However, this is Salem, and it’s only positive if it’s MAKING LOVE to the strains of an affordable, breathy ballad and happens in a montage of sheets and bare legs, so no real surprise there.

Also, will someone please bring up the fact that this is a horrible sex tape, filmed through the leaves of a hotel plant and with the camera angled in such a way that it’s really just a makeout tape? If Jade is gonna make a career out of violating people’s privacy like this, let’s get her in touch with whomever filmed that multiple-angle, wide-lens, clear-as-day video Kristen made of her assault on Eric.

This is a Part of Me

June 8, 2017

Paul might be running around with a disease that has turned him into a homicidal maniac, but the real tragedy on that island is how Sonny somehow wound up with 1990s boyband hair.

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Given all the other cosmetic fuckery going on out there, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that he took time out of searching for his madman boyfriend and/or attempting to get back to civilization to change the part in his hair, but I am.

But it isn’t only that island that causes people to make bizarre style decisions.

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This is a tale as old as time, but can anyone explain to me how or why these doctors continue to show up to work dressed like this? I’m no “brilliant surgeon,” but I’d reckon that one runs the risk of getting blood or bodily fluids on one’s self when performing surgery on a family member or love interest. Maybe try some scrubs?

But at least someone threw away her flat iron.

Cast Away

June 2, 2017

This plane crash stuff is only half-holding my attention (at best), but I really don’t know what’s the most implausible part of it all: that Gabi, who scrounged up a fancy flight attendant’s get-up at the very last minute, would’ve also packed this sensible outfit for a jaunt to Greece…

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…or that JJ apparently took the time after a plane crash, while stranded on a deserted island, to shave his chest.

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At least that skull should give them hope — there must be a Halloween store somewhere on this island!

Speaking of islanded:

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I hate that they’ve improbably made Chloe the bad guy in all this. Yeah, I wish she’d given Holly to Nicole months ago, but Nicole was such a stubborn moron about Deimos that I sort of understood Chloe’s part in it. But now we have everyone telling Chloe it’s her fault that Brady almost died, and just when I thought Marlena’s appeal would get through to her, they go and have her dig in her heels like an asshole and take the baby as Nicole goes down on kidnapping charges. Well, if the goal was for me to despise just about everyone in this: mission accomplished!