Posted tagged ‘Salem Style’

You Might Be a Salemite If…

January 14, 2017

Remember in the 90s when Jeff Foxworthy made a weird, brief cultural phenomenon of that whole “You Might Be a Redneck If…” thing? Well… how about “You might be a redneck if your accidental prostitute ex-wife offers to carry a child for your former porn star, convicted kidnapper fiancée”?


Daniel Jonas, you are a redneck!

BTW, do you love how they did Chloe’s hair like that in the newly shot flashbacks, so she’d look ten months younger than the present-day scenes? You can’t fool us into thinking those scenes really took place in the fall of 2015, Days! We all know Nicole’s hair looked like hot flaming shit back then!

Speaking of Chloe’s styling…


I know she’s supposed to look tired and, well, like someone who gave birth and had a stroke and went into a coma and just woke up and escaped from the hospital, but oh my god, is it refreshing to see her with a relatively plain face. Nadia Bjorlin is stunning. Does Chloe always need to be buried under a metric ton of makeup and eyelashes just to grab coffee with a frenemy?

Sofa King Stupid

January 13, 2017

Welp, looks like the Horton Town Square finally got a Restoration Hardware!


I can’t blame Maggie for wanting new furniture that literally everyone in Salem hasn’t had sex on, but can she perhaps donate the old one to Jennifer so that she can finally toss out the sofa Ciara was raped on? With our luck, though, the former Kiriakis couch will probably be tossed into the visual dumpster fire that is Club TBD.

I’ve made my feelings on Deimos as a character and on his relationship with Nicole well known (short version: HATE), so I can only pray that this engagement is setting up a wedding that will get blown to hell. No one is ever this happy in Salem without it blowing up in their faces! And look — Brady’s having chest pains. Presumably the ghost of Daniel is not pleased over this engagement, in case anyone forgot that Brady has Daniel’s heart. Leave it to Days to make me annoyed about actual continuity!

Subtle Prague-ress

January 12, 2017

If you travel to downtown Europe and don’t run into another (former) Salemite within the first 24 hours, did you really travel to downtown Europe at all?


How nice to see LeAnn Hunley and Anna again! And while I love them both, I have to say that her acting seems a bit, er, rusty. Not that I blame her — this shooting schedule must be more like doing theatre than television, really — but I do hope she settles in, because it’s distracting. I’ve also seen people commenting that they don’t like that Anna is being played as “wacky” or out of her gourd, but honestly, Anna’s sort of always been that kind of heightened character. Her grief over Tony, and her blame toward Stefano, is legitimate, and I much prefer her coming in with some real energy over all the bland “Hi, I’m going to ring your doorbell in the opening act and waltz into your home and just kind of be around for two days.”

And then Carrie! And the Austin who’s even less believable as a forensic accountant than the last one!


Would you believe this is the first time Christie Clark’s Carrie has been onscreen with Anna since her first month — as a child — in 1986?! Aside from that, they’ve never been on the show at the same time. I loved that they actually backfilled their entire mother/daughter relationship for us through dialogue, with Carrie being frustrated that she’s always had to take the parental role with her own mother. Also surprisingly great: Austin rolling his eyes when Carrie mentioned Rafe’s name.

I’m finding this Prague stuff fun, and of course inserting familiar but surprising faces adds a layer of interest to it, a la Hattie turning up in prison with Hope. But I’m thinking about what it would take for this entire thing to really pop. Some of it is that this is obligatory — we’re long past the point at which Stefano turning up alive would ever be a shocker, as are the characters — but I think part of it is also that this is just plot. I’m no expert on the Stockholm story of the 80s, for example, but I believe it was actually about a hell of a lot more than Orpheus’s revenge and Britta’s tattoo or whatever. Those things were all vessels for the real character stories to play out: Kayla seeing another side of Steve, Steve allowing himself to trust Kayla, Bo processing what it meant to be a Kiriakis, etc. (I could be 100% wrong on those specific dynamics, but you know what I mean.) I wish they’d loaded some more character stuff into this arc. Like what if they’d made more of Paul’s reluctance to be with Sonny because of Will, but Marlena had caught them in a close moment right before the group left for Prague, so it was tense between them, and this whole thing was the vehicle for both Paul and Marlena to accept that Will is gone and Paul staying away from Sonny won’t bring him back. That kind of thing.


Meanwhile, Jennifer’s scenes with Thomas were absolutely pointless and plot-free, but in the absolute best way. They could seriously spend one episode a week having her or Hope or Julie tell old Horton stories, and I’d watch without blinking the entire hour. Even at its worst, Days has maintained that core and that sense of its roots better than most of the major soaps, and I think that’s how it’s managed to stick around for so damn long. There’s always that center to go back to. Also, props to Melissa Reeves for managing to look amazing in spite of that confusing mesh vest with sweatshirt sleeves and Puritan blouse getup. She’s a beautiful woman who tends to be very susceptible to whatever fuckery the wardrobe, hair, and makeup departments inflict upon her, but this time, she managed to maintain her sense from the neck up, so much so that I didn’t notice her horrible outfit until halfway through the episode.

But let’s talk about how Jennifer told Thomas that Hope is “going through a bit of a rough time right now.” Is that what we’re calling being imprisoned for murder? Sign this kid up for therapy right now — and not with his batshit crazy great-grandmother Laura! — because if that’s how this family tiptoes around serious issues, he’s gonna need it.

My Eyes, My Eyes

December 28, 2016

Nicole. Dear.


If you hadn’t put the nursing shirt on sideways, you wouldn’t have to use that bottle to feed baby Holly.

But for real: who dresses like that to go hold vigil over a comatose friend and care for her newborn? Was Ballistix all out of hooker dresses?

While we’re on the subject of visual offenses:


I’ve been praying for them to redo Club TBD for years, but somehow, they made it worse. This should be red flag #1 for the authorities that Eduardo and Dario are only using the club as a front: no one would decorate a place like this and actually expect customers to spend time, let alone money, there. Look at this nightmare! Literally nothing in the above screenshot goes together. The two tables are mismatched, and not in the cute way. The studded leather sofa sits across from that patchwork-quilt-looking chair Shane’s sitting in. There’s a striped chair to Steve’s right. The wall behind Roman goes with nothing but those ugly upholstered chairs in the foreground. Is this a restaurant/nightclub/coffee shop, or just a storage space for shit they had to clear out of other sets?


And don’t forget this random, backlit indigo wall lifted from a Jessica Simpson video from 2001, fronted by a bunch of urns! Sure makes me want a latte or a martini, depending on what time of day it is (just kidding, no one ever knows what time of day it is).

Yule Never Believe It

December 25, 2016

To the surprise of no one ever, I started sobbing the second these came onscreen:


Every. Damn. Year.

I never tire of this tradition. Even in the worst of Days years, they tend to pull out some heart and soul for the Horton ornament hanging. This year’s, I thought, was pretty good — it’s so nice to see that living room full of people, and they’ve officially embraced Doug and Julie as the patriarch and matriarch of that family, which feels so right. They even showed a pretty wide swath of the ornaments this year. I thought it was bizarre that Lucas wasn’t there, especially since he couldn’t celebrate Thanksgiving with his family due to being passed out in a hotel room waiting for his runaway bride to wake up.

I’m surprised, however, that Julie didn’t have some shady comment about how Valerie brought her own Christmas globes to the party.


A cleavage window wouldn’t have been my first choice for Christmas at the home of people I hadn’t seen for 30 years, but hey, you do you, girl. On the plus side, Salemites have a long tradition of dressing like high-class hookers for formal events, so she’ll fit right in if/when she decides to stick around!

Meanwhile, Maggie decided to honor a departed loved one with her Christmas outfit this year.


I never knew she was such a huge fan of Prince, but his death clearly hit her hard.


Look at those sleeves! (I’m also 99% sure this is not the first time I’ve covered a female Salemite dressing just like Prince.) And sorry for that traumatizing screenshot of Daniel’s ornament, but it was the best view I could get of Maggie’s sleeves. I will say, though, that as much of a blight as Daniel was on the viewers, this is the first Christmas since his passing, so it felt appropriate for Maggie, Jennifer, and JJ to have that little moment of remembrance for him. They all loved him, for whatever insane reason, so it was the right thing to do. Kind of like making yourself throw up when you’re really hungover.


I continue to be incredibly distracted by that couch. It’s not even a year since Ciara was raped on that very couch, and she’s sitting on it like it’s no big deal. So gross. I thought they might actually address Chase’s ornament — like having it break, or someone choosing to throw it away — but I suspect this writing regime is trying to minimize that entire “storyline.” Anyway, replace the damn couch, please.

I was also (surprisingly?) moved by the sight of Nicole holding a child that is, finally, biologically hers.


The logistics of the birth were completely ridiculous: why was that motel abandoned? How was Chicago buried under snow but Salem, which is within easy driving distance, was totally fine? This whole story feels rhythmically off — maybe because they’re writing around Nadia Bjorlin’s maternity leave, or because Deimos is being written as the hero — but the core of it works, and I love that Brady is involved. And having Nicole be the one to name the baby is both touching and means they won’t have to do some awkward renaming once the truth comes out. Color me stunned that no one even suggested Danielle as a name, but hey, Christmas miracles do happen.

Women on the Verge

December 8, 2016

Oh, Nicole. I know the feeling.


always wake up in tears of horror after Daniel appears in my dreams!

In other news, you know what sounds like one of the few upsides of deciding to spend the rest of your life hiding from the world in your mother’s attic?


Not having to curl your hair and put on makeup and get dressed in cute clothes every day! What is wrong with these people?!

At least neither of these ladies is as twisted as Gabi, who despite having allegedly been a model in the fashion industry thinks this is “the season’s hottest purse” and has been saving up for it.


Someone get this girl a Marshall’s gift card, stat!

Shout Out to My Ex

November 23, 2016

Short week, but I still have plenty of thoughts.

For starters, I wonder how Kate feels about having a roommate who’s just as… jaunty a dresser as she is.


I feel like this is Thaoo Penghlis’s outfit more than it’s Andre’s. Also, can they no longer afford to pay the heating bill inside the DiMera mansion? Take off your damn jacket and scarf when you’re inside!

Meanwhile, the wedding drama has been… interesting.


Justin came off like a real asshole barging in and putting Adrienne on the spot like that, especially since they’re broken up because he cheated on her. Adrienne ended their marriage because he was unfaithful. He doesn’t just get to go, “Hey, I’m ready for you to take me back now.” But the emotional dilemma Adrienne’s now in is pretty compelling. Can you really move on from your great love, especially if that person is still alive? (The entire history of Salem would suggest not, except for Marlena’s stone-cold ass. Though she only did that because her new Great Love was presumed to be her old Great Love for years.) I loved how Lucas compared his relationship with Sami — and Adrienne’s relationship with Justin — to addiction. I don’t know that I totally buy that that’s what those dynamics are, but I buy that’s how Lucas sees them.

Really bizarre that Wednesday’s episode featured Sonny and Paul outside the hotel room where the debate was taking place without actually featuring the way more dramatic storyline taking place inside said hotel room, though.

While we’re on the subject of that wedding, this cracked me up:


I imagine this is exactly how Sami would react to the news. “Someone is focused on something other than meeeeeee?!”

In conclusion, Valerie told Abe that she loves pugs, which is the most randomly specific thing on this show in forever, and since I have a pug and am obsessed with them, I’m taking it as a personal shoutout. Also, she mentioned having a son and that the father hasn’t been around in a long time, so I’ll eat Abigail’s giant witch hat if that kid doesn’t turn out to be David Banning’s.