Archive for June 2013

The Priest Who Almost Got Away

June 27, 2013

I was going to complain about the fact that Eric had to go to a hotel that is clearly within easy driving distance of Salem just to prepare for a meeting. But in light of the way that every damn person is swanning around just needing to see him, maybe it was a wise move.

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“Where’s Eric? I hope he’s resting!!!”

Woman, he would rest a lot better if he didn’t have all you busybodies trying to track him down! And he has a meeting, not a damn triathlon. Cool it.

Although, what in the hell did that doctor give Kristen to inject Eric with? He looks like hell.

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Has she ever heard of a roofie? It seems that might be more effective than giving him malaria. It’s a good thing nosy-ass Nicole and her crocheted sweater-jacket from 2001 came to find him!


Or As I Call It, “Naptime”

June 26, 2013

This week has featured many riveting scenes about the Chad/Abigail/Cameron triangle.

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Oh, wait.

Seriously, this thing is so DOA. The three actors are likable, but there’s just nothing interesting about any of this. To quote Gertrude Stein, “There is no there there.” Remember the halcyon days when Cameron was a vision in golden booty shorts, or when Chad was busting up weddings that were none of his damn business? Those marginally interesting days are as long gone as Chloe Lane’s dignity, it seems. I never thought I’d long to see Abigail running around sniffing Austin’s hat, but I fear it’s come to that.

What Happened In Salem: Week of June 17th

June 25, 2013

Apologies for the late recap for last week. Blame my upstairs neighbors bursting a pipe in their kitchen!

Eric went to stay in a hotel within driving distance of Salem in order to prepare for an Official Priest Business Meeting. A mysterious woman arrived in Hope’s office at the front desk and went out of her way to secure the room next to his. I am unclear as to who this person might be, but based on all available clues (fancy wig, authentic and sophisticated accent), I am guessing it is Celeste. The woman crept into Eric’s room, shot him with a tranquilizer dart, straddled him, and– OMG! It’s Kristen! I never would have known based on that high-quality disguise!

Check out the rest to catch up on What Happened In Salem last week!

Is the Judge a Packers Fan?

June 23, 2013

I know that when I’m facing murder charges and dealing with my teenage (?) son making me a grandparent in my mid-30s…

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…I take the time to dress up like a secretary for the Green Bay Packers.

Two-Star Plan for a Two-Star Hotel

June 21, 2013

Well, here’s a foolproof plan if I ever saw one.

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What if there had been people in Room 201 who weren’t just willing to move out in the middle of their damn stay so another customer could take that room? What if the lock on the door between the rooms hadn’t been so easy to pick?

Then again, it’s not like she could be identified. Think about the police questioning:

“What did the woman look like?”
“She was wearing a really ridiculous wig and talking in an accent like Natasha from Rocky & Bullwinkle.”
“Did she happen to be a middle-aged black psychic?”
“No, I’m pretty sure she was white.”
“Hmm, a white person stupid enough to think that a terrible wig and a worse accent would be a sufficient disguise. Sami… Kate… John… Oh, shit, I’m stumped!”

Having not seen Friday’s episode yet, I have no idea what the hell Kristen is hoping to accomplish. This all seems rather risky and complicated and insane, right? Never change, girl.

On the other hand, any plan that includes this

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— is a plan I can get onboard with. Carry on.

Your Drunken Friend, the Daytime Emmys

June 17, 2013

You know how you have that one friend who always gets too drunk and makes a scene at parties? And you swear you’re never inviting him/her to anything again, but then s/he meets you for lunch and it’s nice and civil, and when your next party rolls around you’re all, “It’ll be fine this time, I’m sure,” and then that friend winds up destroying your living room and getting your dog high and vomiting on you and whatnot?

That’s basically my relationship with the Daytime Emmys. Every year, I sit there cringing and praying for it to be over, crippled by secondhand embarrassment. But then months go by, and Days gets a few nominations, and I think, “Oh, it’ll be fine this year.”



This year, the horror was compounded by the fact that I was watching with my boyfriend — or, rather, my boyfriend was also in the living room, doing things on his laptop and trying to be a good sport, oblivious to the anguish he was about to endure. I even warned him about the time Marie Osmond sang “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy,” but he was like, “No, it’s fine. You can watch it!” So on top of my usual secondhand embarrassment for everyone involved with or forced to attend the telecast, I was also personally embarrassed to be voluntarily watching this shitshow.

What was the lowest point? When the camera kept flying around, unable to find anything to focus on? When there was a tie and neither of the winners knew nor received any guidance as to what to do? When we were forced to sit through those horrifying post-acceptance interviews, conducted by people who knew nothing about the subjects? When one of the hosts, a woman who is apparently a morning anchor on HLN (the network condemned to broadcast this thing, no doubt chosen in some kind of hellish Hunger Games-esque lottery), burst into song not one, not two, but three times? No, it was probably the painful moment when the women of The Talk were attempting to present an award, only to open the envelope and discover that it was the envelope for the wrong category and winner. That could only have been more terrible if Sharon Osbourne had been the one to open it.

Seriously, the entire thing was a nightmare.

Okay, not the entire thing. It was touching how everyone associated with The Young and the Restless seemed genuinely moved to pay tribute to that show’s grand dame, Jeanne Cooper, who passed away last month. Those “40 Years of Daytime Divas/Catfights/Etc.” montages were the right kind of melodramatic and funny. And… uh… okay, there was Chandler Massey winning for Outstanding Younger Actor, and then there was this:


We won! Days of Our Lives won for Outstanding Daytime Drama. This has happened only once before, in 1978. WE WON!

(For the full acceptance speeches and more background info, check out Jason47’s site. It’s an amazing resource for all things Days.)

I am so, so happy. Days has been largely ignored by the Emmys forever, aside from a few acting prizes in recent years and last year’s Outstanding Writing award. To win the big one is huge. It seems like Days has sort of been the bastard child of daytime lately, less high-profile than Y&RB&B, and General Hospital. But I keep up with the other shows enough to feel confident saying that Days is turning out the most effective, intricate drama of any of the remaining soaps. Maybe it’s the cheapness of the production that undercuts it, but it continues to be satisfying and surprising to me on a near-daily basis. I’ve seen a few arguments that because the winning submission episodes came from the end of the McPherson/Thomas regime, it proves that Corday was wrong to replace them with Tomlin and Whitesell. I don’t think it proves that at all. The MarDar period had its strengths, and one of those strengths was pulling together impressive single episodes or mini-arcs. But the show feels so much stronger on a day-to-day basis now. Just about everything that hits the screen means something, even if we don’t know it for weeks.

Regardless, kudos to everyone at Days. These people work their asses off to churn out an insane number of shows, and it’s brought me an incredible amount of entertainment (both intentional and… otherwise) over the years. And dammit, this means I’m gonna have to watch this shitshow next year, huh?

What Happened In Salem: Week of June 10th

June 15, 2013

Sami Brady’s terrible luck with firearms continued. Meanwhile…

Nicole and Eric played the popular weekly game, “Will Eric Have to Leave Salem? Nope! Gotcha!” Nicole decided to comfort Brady with the only marketable professional skill she has: the Misty Circle Special.

Catch up on the rest of What Happened In Salem this week!