Archive for October 2014

The Many Weddings of Sami Brady

October 31, 2014

In honor of Alison Sweeney’s nearly 22-year run as Sami Brady, which came to an end yesterday, let’s take a look back at her time on the show — and what better way to do that than by reflecting upon all the weddings she’s racked up over the years? Well, that or all the murders she’s attempted/been a party to/covered up, but you know. Weddings are more fun. Usually… except in the case of Sami Brady, they have basically all turned out to be The Worst in some way.

Wedding #1

The Groom: Austin Reed
The Location: France
The Story: After Sami’s crazy neighbor, Mary, kidnapped baby Will and sold him on the black market in France (as you do), everyone schlepped to France to get the kid back. The French government wouldn’t turn Will over to his parents unless they were married, so Austin was forced to marry Sami.
Why It Was the Worst: Yes, that’s totally how international laws work. Also, the groom totally did not want to be there, and everyone knew it was a farce, but Sami was beaming like an idiot.

Wedding #2

The Groom: Austin Reed
The Location: St. Luke’s Church
The Story: Sami got amnesia and was paralyzed after Austin backed his car into her (LOL), but Austin and Carrie eventually forced her to grant Austin an annulment. Sami then got her memory back when she plugged in an iron (sure, why not) and quickly convinced Austin to remarry her. I would be more troubled by this, but he was such an idiot that it’s not really so surprising. Anyway, Carrie, Eric, and Mike figured out that Sami was lying about Will’s paternity and raced to the church, where they exposed Sami. Carrie decked her sister and then took over the wedding to marry Austin herself.

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Why It Was the Worst: The bride wore cornrows. And I guess getting punched out at your own wedding kind of sucks, too.

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Samanther’s Last Stand

October 30, 2014

Once upon a time — almost 30 years ago to the day, in fact — a pair of twins, a girl and a boy, were born in the absurd little berg of Salem, USA. The boy more or less grew up to be a normal human being, but the girl — the girl is who we’re here to talk about today: Samantha Gene Jean Brady. Eight years after her birth, Sami was a teenaged hellion. She went on to become a young mother… show up for her own wedding in white-girl cornrows… survive the lethal injection… dress up like a man and commit treason in a war zone in the Middle East… and have more failed/disastrous weddings than most people have birthday parties in their lifetime.

But today, after almost 22 years of these shenanigans, Sami bids farewell to Salem, and we bid farewell to her and her portrayer, Alison Sweeney. In honor of this momentous day, I’ve decided to take one for the team and live-blog the episode. As a special bonus, you get cell phone pictures of the screen, since it won’t be up on Hulu for screenshot purposes until tomorrow morning (you’re welcome). Also, if this suddenly cuts out midway, it’s because I blacked out from all the wine it’s going to take to get through all the Daniel and/or Jordan scenes that I won’t be able to fast-forward, so please send help. And away we go…

We open in the DiMera mansion, where Kate and Lucas come in to find Sami signing over DiMera Enterprises to Kate, who’s now sole CEO. Sami says that she knows Kate’s going to tear down their portrait and replace it with one of her solo, but Kate says this one has kind of grown on her.

Adrienne drops by Sonny and Will’s and is shocked to see luggage. Sonny tells her that Will is taking Ari to Los Angeles.

Then we go to Daniel’s apartment, where — oh my god, I forgot this was happening and it’s so much worse than Daniel/Jennifer because I have a very bad feeling about where this is headed — Kristen is breaking down because Brady finally rejected her. Again. I mean, I think it was over-over when you raped his brother the priest, but I’m also a sane human being, so what do I know? Daniel reluctantly consoles her.

At the hospital, John tells Theresa that the person who hit him wasn’t Brady — it was her. Brady conveniently walks up to the open door and hears this. Here comes the opening sequence.

Kate tells Sami that she’s gotten used to her. FLASHBACK TIME! Sami threatens to tell Austin that Kate was a hooker, and Kate (with 90s hair that kind of makes her look like Toad from Super Mario Bros. — how does Lauren Koslow look more amazing 20 years later?!) slaps her. Back in the real world, Sami tells Kate that despite all the grief Kate has given her, Kate taught her how to be tough and fight for herself. Sami makes Kate promise to finish what they started. I can’t say enough how happy I am that so much of Sami’s last year of story has involved Kate.

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Kristen pulls back from Daniel and apologizes. She insists that she does love Brady, but Daniel is skeptical, and all I can focus on is that the door is open.  A door is never left open unless someone’s going to skulk outside it and hear/see something. Close your doors, people! The fact that it’s open means you’re both about to make horrible decisions.

Brady tells John and Theresa to both shut up. He can’t believe that “she was right.”

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WTF Wednesday: Virtual Eden

October 29, 2014

If you were watching Days back around the turn of the century, that headline probably tempted you to throw your computer out the window and set yourself on fire. If not, strap in for this ride, because it’s going to be insane.

After being shoehorned into the show through ridiculous circumstances that probably deserve a WTF Wednesday post of their own, Greta von Amburg learned that she was next in line for the crown of, uh, Amburg. When she and her new pal and sorta-love-interest Austin traveled to Downtown Europe to begin the proceedings, they learned that Prince Amburg (or someone acting on his behalf, I don’t remember) required Greta to complete some tasks before she could claim her title. And the tasks were to be held — I’m totally serious here — in a virtual reality Garden of Eden.

Before you ask any of the four thousand questions suddenly clogging up your brain, just watch this:

I mean, WHAT?

(Note: it’s strangely difficult to find clips of this online. This dubbed clip of just a few short scenes was all I could find. I want to know who involved with this decided that they had to wipe as much from it from the internet as humanly possible. I also love that it’s titled “Austin Peck,” because come on — the only way I could see anyone greenlighting this madness is on the basis of “Let’s have Austin Peck run around in a loincloth for a few weeks,” since god knows he was far more qualified to do that than he was to do things like speak English and approximate the inflections and behaviors of real human beings.)

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The Long Goodbye

October 28, 2014

If there’s one thing this writing regime is great at, it’s hitting me right in my sentimental spot (I have one, somewhere between my little black heart and my wine-curdled liver) with homages to the show’s history.

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I mean… ahhhhh!

Sami’s goodbyes have been ON POINT. They hit the perfect tone with her and Nicole, of not making them magically become friends but still managing to give the actresses (and the characters) some sweet moments. I was delighted that they went all the way back to 2002 for their flashbacks. And then the stuff with Lucas — without engaging in any kind of couple-fanbase war nonsense, I really do love this new ground they’ve found for Sami and Lucas as friends. I could’ve watched an hour of flashbacks, but that was such a nice tribute to the characters’ and actors’ 20+ years of history. I died at that final exchange:

Sami: Lucas… I’ll never have a better friend.
Lucas: Neither will I.

Awwww. And then they even went so far today as to involve Ciara and flash back to Sami fighting with over THE EARRING. I die!

Eve Does Salem

October 28, 2014

I literally screamed when JJ was putting the ice on Eve’s hand and the “ooo-EEEEE-yeeeeeeeahhhhh” porn moaning music started up.

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I’m guessing they don’t intend for it to sound so ominous, but I’m kinda ready for this to become a thing. Like, Roman walks in and barks, “What da hell?!” — Eve stares at him as the music swells up. Doug belts out a Christmas tune — Eve is transfixed and the orgasmic melody of her theme song sounds. Theo walks in shouting random words — Eve goes into a trance and the sensual tones of a woman touching herself/a swamp creature rising from the mist fills the room. She doesn’t even need a real story!

What Happened in Salem: Week of Oct. 20th

October 26, 2014

While Sami received a very surprising offer…

Eve was alarmed when Jill the hooker showed up, demanding $500. Girl, you must be giving away the goods like it’s Black Friday if it was easier to drag your ass all the way back to Salem and squeeze it out of Eve than it was to just turn another trick.

Read the rest to see What Happened in Salem this week!

Two Actresses Out!

October 25, 2014

Time to bust out the confetti and floats from the last time Maggie threw a “Daniel Took a Dump!” parade — these are good ones.

Hiding the news behind the cut for the spoiler-allergic…

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