I know I could probably save myself some trouble by composing a post with this title and then just writing “Everything that everyone ever does on this show,” but in the interest of discussion (and also because that would be a pretty horrible blog), let’s elaborate.
1. The fact that the local pimp left town for four weeks and then came back to this random Midwestern town to open a spa.
2. The fact that everyone is suddenly going to be hanging out at the local spa.
3. The way Maggie was going on and on about “my new son and my new granddaughter” and everyone just stood around smiling and chattering like it isn’t SO FUCKING WEIRD that she found out that a man she already knew is actually her son because some woman stole her eggs decades ago, and conveniently, that man’s long-lost daughter is the very girl whom Maggie took in and bonded with. This is not a happy family reunion — it’s a damned genetic freakshow.
4. The fact that Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker, appears on this show more frequently than Roman Brady.
This is the weirdest, most drawn-out cameo since Fay Walker’s prized heirloom was the talk of the town!
5. The fact that someone in Wardrobe picked out a Sesame Street character’s carcass for said Millionaire Matchmaker to wear on the show.
6. The blue streaks in this 60-year-old woman’s hair:
Kate, I know your job mostly involves sauntering around town making vague threats at people, but really!