Archive for November 2011

Things That Are Not Normal

November 30, 2011

I know I could probably save myself some trouble by composing a post with this title and then just writing “Everything that everyone ever does on this show,” but in the interest of discussion (and also because that would be a pretty horrible blog), let’s elaborate.

1. The fact that the local pimp left town for four weeks and then came back to this random Midwestern town to open a spa.

2. The fact that everyone is suddenly going to be hanging out at the local spa.

3. The way Maggie was going on and on about “my new son and my new granddaughter” and everyone just stood around smiling and chattering like it isn’t SO FUCKING WEIRD that she found out that a man she already knew is actually her son because some woman stole her eggs decades ago, and conveniently, that man’s long-lost daughter is the very girl whom Maggie took in and bonded with. This is not a happy family reunion — it’s a damned genetic freakshow.

4. The fact that Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker, appears on this show more frequently than Roman Brady.

This is the weirdest, most drawn-out cameo since Fay Walker’s prized heirloom was the talk of the town!

5. The fact that someone in Wardrobe picked out a Sesame Street character’s carcass for said Millionaire Matchmaker to wear on the show.

6. The blue streaks in this 60-year-old woman’s hair:

Kate, I know your job mostly involves sauntering around town making vague threats at people, but really!

You Left One S-Thing Off the List

November 29, 2011

Marlena urged John not to give up on on her, himself, or their life together.

Marlena: We’ve been through so much — separation, sickness, Stefano’s craziness…

What about SATAN?! I don’t know about you guys, but that is something I would pretty much always bring up when listing the hardships I’d endured.

(I also love how she makes it sound like “Stefano’s craziness” was just a bunch of mischievous hijinks and not, oh, faking their deaths and holding them captive and brainwashing them and kidnapping their loved ones and all sorts of other lunacy.)

What Happened in Salem: Week of Nov. 21st

November 28, 2011

It was a short week, but never fear: everyone was working overtime to act insane and/or disgusting.

John’s sentencing hearing arrived. While the court stenographer desperately tried to keep accurate records by writing “MARLENA: *gasp*” after every time anyone else said anything, John pled guilty to all charges. Carrie urged the judge to show leniency, but the judge was determined to make an example of him. “I sentence you to the gas chamber!” she said. “Already had that,” John replied. “Then to the guillotine with you!” the judge ordered. “Already been there, too,” John said. “Then I have no choice but to sentence you to be hit by a car and die, only to be actually strapped to a chair and forced to wear brainwashing goggles for three months before you are turned back into society with a new personality and utter disdain for your old life!” Seeing John’s ho-hum expression, she gave up and sighed, “Fine. Fifty years in prison, then. You people make this no fun at all.”

Check out the rest of this week’s What Happened in Salem recap now!

You’ve Gotta Be Kidding Me (and/or Trying to Give Me an Aneurysm)

November 22, 2011

I should really know better than to offer unqualified praise to this show. Because here’s the thing: a normal show would be like, “Hey, what we’re doing is working!” This effing show, however, takes it as an affront. “What do you mean, there was hardly anything to make fun of? You want insane? We will GIVE you insane!”

And did they ever.

Rafe and Will grilled braindead little Allie about where Johnny might be hiding. I’m not even going to point out how stupid it is that they didn’t ask her this 24 hours ago, but I will point out how stupid it was that any of this was even helpful. “Oh, you mean Johnny likes to hide at the Pub? We never even thought to look there!”

So they went to the Pub and, within 30 seconds, found Johnny emerging from beneath a table.

There are so many problems with this that my head might explode:

  • No one, at any time in the preceding 24 hours, went into the Pub and shouted Johnny’s name?
  • Why didn’t he emerge when everyone was shouting his name and crying right after the shootout?
  • Did the Salem PD not even look under the tables?
  • THE TABLES WERE OVERTURNED IN THE SHOOTOUT ANYWAY. They literally had to be trying not to see him!
  • If he ran away and then came back to the Pub — which I think he might have said, I don’t know, because it’s all so stupid anyway — how did no one see him return? The place is a damn crime scene. There have been cops and assorted mourners and worrywarts trolling outside the front door the whole time.
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Surprise! Popular 90s Role Recast

November 22, 2011

Fresh off last week’s big shocker (Sami called Marlena a terrible mother and awful human being and was not immediately hit by lightning) comes some genuinely surprising recast news. One Life to Live alum Brynn Thayer is joining Days…

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What Happened in Salem: Week of Nov. 14th

November 20, 2011

This week’s What Happened in Salem recap is now up, and… let’s just say the Logic Police are about as bad at their jobs as the Salem PD.

Austin told Bo and Hope that, after going over the info from Alice’s secret bank account, he is sure that some sort of financial genius set up the routing scheme, because it’s far too complex to have come from Alice. Two things: first, wouldn’t it be hilarious if Alice were stealing people’s pensions the whole time and then framed John as her final act, and second, I am still struggling with the idea that there are entire storylines predicated on the concept that Austin Reed can or ever could count.

Click the link to check out the rest!

History is Made

November 18, 2011

Something miraculous has happened.

Sami: All you think about is John! All you care about is him! … He comes first for you, at my expense, at everyone’s expense.
Marlena: […] I love everybody!

What’s that beautiful sound I hear? Is it a flock of angels wiping the Vaseline off the camera lens?!

(Okay, I know I make a lot of jokes about Marlena’s vanity and plastic surgery and soft-focus lenses, but seriously, Deidre Hall looks effing good. This woman is 64 damn years old. Let that sink in.)

Meanwhile, in Miracle Town:

Sami: I’m putting you both on notice that if he does not come back – if he doesn’t come back to me safe and sound – I will make you both wish that I had never been born!
Marlena: Oh, I already wish that. Hey, has anyone seen Belle?

Okay, maybe that last line didn’t happen on the show, but you know she was thinking it.

And in the spirit of being positive, I’m going to give Marlena the benefit of the doubt and interpret her “Oh well” reaction to Sami’s rage as a strategic move on the part of a seasoned psychiatrist and not the half-assed concern of a self-involved sociopath.