Posted tagged ‘Salem Style’

Gabi Bleak

February 16, 2018

So, like, it’s funny that the head writer knows this is as goofy as it comes off…

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…but doesn’t he know, I dunno, have the power to make it less stupid? Or something?

Then again, it’s just kind of the way things are in Salem. You’ve got Gabi, freshly released from jail, foregoing a night with her child to step out to the club of a woman whom she knows loves to rag on her for being a murderer.

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You’ve got a D.A. marching around town discussing an ongoing case with as many involved parties as will give her the time of day. (By the way, where was Melinda Trask when Justin and Aiden were playing musical D.A.s back in 2016? Just standing outside the office waiting to take her job back when it was no longer needed for story purposes?)

You’ve got Jennifer borrowing an old hairstyle from the artist formerly known as Ke$ha while Eric rants and raves about donuts.

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Thursday’s ending with them at the Pub was very cute, and I continue to enjoy their chemistry, but Greg Vaughan looked like he could barely hold it together during the Great Donut Declaration of 2018. At least Henry had the good sense to GTFO before he turns into a complete imbecile.

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I did love Doug’s inclusion in the JJ storyline, and Sal Stowers did a great job showing a complicated set of emotions during JJ’s proposal. But I’d love to go back and see how many times some elder Horton has given away this or that piece of Alice’s jewelry for a proposal or wedding that wound up falling apart months later. Dresser drawers around town must be littered with this stuff, at this point!


These Lips Were Made For Spyin’

February 14, 2018

Few people can confidently say that surprising their mother in a mausoleum is actually less weird than the last time they popped into town for a visit.

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Bonus: she was actually in that mausoleum for reasons pertaining to her job!

I’ll never entirely buy Billie Reed as an ISA agent, especially Lisa Rinna’s version — Julie Pinson came closest to making it plausible — but I do like how they’ve woven her into the John/Steve story. It sounded to me like Billie is on John’s side in all this, and they’ve stashed Will and Paul somewhere for, uh, safekeeping, but who knows? Just hoping we get an explanation about what in the hell is going on pretty soon. It’s always nice to have a visit from a former Salemite, and Rinna fits in surprisingly well considering that this is essentially a celebrity stunt casting at this point. She and Lauren Koslow didn’t miss a beat with the mother/daughter stuff, even if they look like sisters. So I’ll just try and suspend my disbelief over what appears to be an aborted SNL skit in which a Real Housewife accidentally gets drafted into the CIA.

And while Billie’s still sporting her signature Rod Stewart hairdo, Kate’s is looking pretty fantastic.

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But the real MVPs of recent episodes are, without a doubt, the breakdown and script writers who have had to spend roughly 40% of every scene justifying why characters are appearing at and hanging out at this mausoleum. You get your money’s worth out of those sets, guys! Can’t wait until Hope tells Rafe they got a great deal on an intimate wedding venue…

Friday Foibles

February 9, 2018

I’ve been a semi-frequent defender of the boho-leaning garb they’ve had Marci Miller’s Abigail dressed in, but the buck stops here.

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She’s cosplaying as Maggie having a busy day where she has to hit both the Ren Faire and the Lilith Fair. Gotta get one of those turkey legs before Tori Amos’s set!

I’m still intrigued by this whole John/Steve thing, though it doesn’t entirely make sense yet. If this dude is ISA, then my only guess is that the ISA feels Steve compromised them by exposing their cover story about having him kill Ava (because Joey confessed and invalidated it) and now they want Steve dead?

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Luckily for Paul, this guy was about as tough to disarm as an alleged spy who uses the phrase “muckety-muck” typically would be.

Meanwhile, I was all set to call Marlena “Colonel Mustard” while watching this episode.

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But when I went to screenshot it, it’s really more of a chartreuse. Still, did she buy this damn jacket in every single color of the rainbow? Was this some sartorially misguided show of support for Will’s sexuality?

True Colors

February 8, 2018

Valerie was way overdue for something fun, and exposing Lani’s lying ass is a perfect use of her.

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I have some fundamental issues with this baby storyline — mostly that this quadrangle is underdeveloped on all sides and that it’s insane to hang an entire story on Sal Stowers (who has improved but is still uneven) and Lani (who is a cipher of a human being) — but one band-aid for that is keeping us on our toes by making sure that the damn thing moves briskly. I actually really enjoyed the little arc they gave Valerie here, from overzealous mama bear to having some sympathy for Lani, and yet holding firm by giving her a deadline to come clean. Still not sure I need to watch seven more months of Lani sobbing, but at least they’re going to give us a daily reminder of how far along she is and how much longer we have to endure this!

But despite her paternity lie, Valerie breathing down her neck, and the fact that her barely-not-suicidal boyfriend is going to drown her in tricycles and other crap by the time this kid gets here, Lani is not the person in this storyline having the worst week ever.

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Nope, that “honor” goes to convicted murderer Gabi, who is now the prime suspect in another homicide after her stunt double was caught on the security camera going in and out of Andre’s office in a cheap wig, her coat, and some stripper shoes. I’m sorry, but not one of these brilliant (LOL) detectives (LOL) is like, “Hey, that doesn’t so much look like Gabi as a linebacker who put on her smock”?!

At least there was a point to dressing her in something so garish and distinctive, I guess. I’m unclear what the excuse is for the other 45 days Salem saw in the past year, though.

The rest of this post is pure speculation about the Andre murder mystery, but it contains references to some casting-related spoilers, so consider yourself warned before you click…



January 27, 2018

This might not have been my first choice for “winter day in the Midwest when I’m a suspect in a murder that happened last night or the night before that, but who knows because time is a flat circle in Salem,” but am I nuts for not hating it?

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Mostly I continue to be in awe of what excellent shape Camila Banus is in, as well as her ability to pull off stuff like this. She certainly pulled it off better than she or Marci Miller pulled off that nutso “No, you’re capable of murder!” conversation. Sorry, ladies — you’re both quacks. But I might give Abigail the edge here. It’s weird how they’re suddenly referencing Abigail’s history of mental illness all the time without pointing out how absolute goddamn crazy it is that she’s sobbing over the death of Andre DiMera, of all people.

Elsewhere on a random generic bedroom set that’s supposed to be in the same mansion, the Widow DiMera is taking time from rehearsing for Salem’s Shakespeare Festival to mourn the 97th lover she’s lost in the past five years.

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The conversation between her and Chad was actually pretty sweet, if you ignore the completely deranged underpinnings. Try as these writers might, I’m just never going to feel anything resembling sorrow for Andre or anyone who loved tolerated him.

It was rather strange how non-urgent everything was this week, considering last Friday ended with the discovery that a character who’d been on the show for 35 years had been murdered. Nothing exemplified this better than the fact that Anna called Carrie on, like, Tuesday, and she’s still not there to represent her mother. Guys, she’s coming from Zurich. She should be able to get to Salem in the space of a single commercial break. Speaking of travel, I appreciated the mentions that Abe actually did accompany Theo to South Africa, and that Celeste is there… even if I cringed a little at the reference to “Lexie’s family” being nearby. I can’t believe I have to ask this, but we’re aware that not all black people just default to living in Africa… right? Right?

Strike a Pose

January 21, 2018

We spend a lot of time here discussing (ripping on) the women’s stylistic choices, but Friday’s episode introduced some interesting looks on the male side of things, so let’s set aside Gabi Bleak for a minute and get to it.

Lucas! I have never been so thrilled to see someone have a haircut and a shave!

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He looks so cute and… bright. For all we know, that rehab was just a functioning salon, but it seems to have done the trick, appearance-wise. TBD on the behavioral stuff, though. I’m not sure one of the top rules of rehab is “Ask your ex-wife who cuckolded you on a date the minute you get out.”

This is also a look I’m a big fan of!

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Let’s try and ignore the part about how his own mother barged in on him like this, and when he said he had to get dressed, she just retorted, “There’s no time for that!” I guess we know where he inherited his workplace proclivities from.

And, finally, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen such a stunning and appropriate look on a Salem man as this one:

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Sure, he’s drowned in quicksand and shot himself and been mauled by a tiger and disconnected his own life support, so I’m hardly expecting this one to stick, but what a damn relief for the time being. It’s completely insane that they had to rush to contrive motives for a bunch of people to possibly have murdered this psychopath. “Sure, he had half my family ‘killed’ and held hostage, but interfering with an IPO? That’s the final straw!” But it gets us a dead Andre, and that’s infinitely more preferable than “sneaky, bitchy Andre who everyone pretends wasn’t a serial killer twice,” so I’m onboard.

Now You See It…

January 11, 2018

Oh no! Some dastardly individual replaced Steve’s one working retina with the filter they use to shoot all of Marlena’s scenes!

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Wait, that’s not what was going on here? Oh…

I’m doing my best to stay spoiler-free on this one, so I really have no idea where it’s going, but I like the potential dawn of something new. Sort of a weird choice to parallel Steve’s blurry vision and dizziness with Lani’s symptoms of her six-day-old pregnancy, but at least it showed some attention to crafting an overall episode instead of just slapping random scenes onscreen until they’ve filled 38 minutes.

But even someone with Steve’s wonky vision could’ve picked out this continuity error.

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And then, half an episode and maybe 30 story minutes later…

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If these people had any actual business sense at all, they’d jump on whatever hormone allowed Chad to grow an entire beard in the space of a single episode and get that shit on the market ASAP. But no, more important to focus on a poster board of Gabi posing next to a salad from Wendy’s.