Do It Again, Doc

Who knew there’d come a day when Marlena got to act as the audience’s surrogate?

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This a-hole has had that coming for months. Seriously, what is John’s deal? Did he get brainwashed again and nobody noticed? His plan is idiotic, and he doesn’t even seem conflicted about the possibility of hurting Marlena and Brady. At this point, I’m relieved he wants a divorce. Marlena should slap him 400 more times and then go get with Ol’ Lawnmower Mouth (Roman). 

I know it’s a bad idea to try and work through Salem Logic, but indulge me for a second here. John wants a divorce, and Marlena exclaims, “But we just got re-married!” You did? Is she talking about that rushjob of a hospital wedding they had in 2009 before they left for Downtown Europe? First of all, that was four years ago, and secondly, we just had a whole “story” last year about how John and Hope’s marriages were invalid because they secretly got married in Alamainia as The Pawn and Princess Gina. Work through this with me:

  • Hope-as-Gina kidnapped and brainwashed John into being “Father John” after his 1999 wedding to Marlena. She stole him away from their honeymoon, in fact. Did they (off-screen) go to Alamainia and get married then? Because if so, John was already married and it would have been invalid.
  • All of John and Marlena’s marriages turned out to be invalid when Marlena’s first husband, Alex North, turned up in 2006. So does the invalidating of that J&M marriage actually make the imaginary John/Hope wedding valid?
  • I know there was some throwaway line tossed out a few months ago about how John and Hope’s Alamainian marriage got all cleared up or something, but are we supposed to believe that John and Marlena — people who made a grand entrance and basically demanded a standing ovation at a Town Square dedication that had nothing to do with them — went and had a quiet little offscreen wedding after all that? (Also, does that mean Bo and Hope aren’t really married, or does the fact that they recited some vows to each other in Victor’s living room when no one else was there now count as an actual, legally binding wedding?)
  • Regardless of timing, did no one in Alamainia think it was weird that a priest and a chain-smoking nutjob came in to get married and just wrote “The Pawn” and “Princess Gina” on a marriage certificate, like those are legal names?

I need a drink.

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