A Letter to My Neighbors

Dear neighbors,

I’m sorry if, throughout the 1 – 2 p.m. hour today, I disrupted you with my yelling and screaming. It’s just that, for once, there was a fairly satisfying episode of Days of Our Lives on.

You see, there’s this guy, Jack. He used to be really super-popular, but now, they keep writing him out and then bringing him back, only to fire him again. He has literally died four times in the last decade, counting today. He went plummeting down an elevator shaft when the cable snapped, just moments after rescuing his daughter from the elevator. It was very sad, and the young woman who plays his daughter did a great job, and they even dragged Jack’s sister and her husband out of mothballs to share in his widow’s grief.

Let me tell you something about how soap operas work, neighbors: if someone dies, they will probably come back at some point (unless the actor actually died in real life). If a character has his organs donated, as Jack once did, he can return. So if someone dies by plummeting down an elevator shaft and the only confirmation we get is that he “died on impact,” as relayed through a police officer, and then the widow is not able to see the body… well, some supervillain was probably hanging around to snatch him up, nurse him back to health, and return him to his family as part of some vague and nefarious plot in the future.

There’s also this fabulous, bitchy woman named Kate who has 158 children and wears one item of jewelry in each of their honor. She used to be a prostitute, and then she became a business executive, and then she tried to poison her daughter-in-law and the town crime boss blackmailed her into marrying him. But they actually fell in love, until he stupidly felt the need to “test” her loyalty (by abandoning her). She failed the test because, in her panic, she slept with her old lover, a man who seems to think he is in a production of Macbeth at all times. Anyway, the crime boss got murdered, and today, Kate found out that the Macbeth guy has been using her, and she WENT IN on him.

They were trading barbs, and then there was an amazing slap, and he kept taunting her about her past as a hooker and her dead crime boss husband until she yelled, “You will never be in his class — in the boardroom OR in the bedroom!” And it was terrific and I’m sorry if I hollered very loudly and disturbed you.

It got even more dramatic when the Macbeth guy, now good and drunk and pissed, blurted out that he killed the crime boss (who is totally not really dead — see above). That was also great and surprising and, again, apologies if you thought I was being murdered or something down here.

Anyway, thanks for listening, and you should maybe give this show a shot. Although I’m warning you, there are also lots of stupid things happening, like how three separate people wandered out of a disaster area and decided to pass out by the exact same park bench, and no one found them until the exact family members who were searching for them went running by.

Ta-ta!

Michael

P.S. Please stop putting baby wipes down the garbage disposal in your kitchen. I’m tired of calling the plumber.

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3 Comments on “A Letter to My Neighbors”

  1. Dan Says:

    Hilarious as usual.

    Mansi rocked the DAYSaster even if she couldn’t rock the electric blue pant suit. I didn’t even mind them playing a flashback from yesterday’s episode because that scene between Abby / Jack was so emotional. What a wonderful, sensitive relationship we were denied for so long. I also loved that Abigail and Jennifer dealt with the death realistically. Abby mentioned (and Jennifer dismissed) J.J., Abigail mentioned this has happened before, and Jennifer asked to see the body. Then, they brought in Justin and Adrienne, who I have convinced myself were simply in Horton Square preparing for Brady’s wedding. I feared we were going to be denied Adrienne’s reaction as we were when Jack told her off camera that he had been held captive in Iraq.

    Lauren Koslow is KILLING it. She was so amazing Monday I didn’t even notice that she was standing there for three or four acts as you mentioned. Koslow was telling such a story with her eyes that I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Her attack on Ian was EPIC. I DIED when she said she regretted “The five minutes” she spent with Ian. The best part was Koslow didn’t even go for the joke; she just let the line do all the work and it was incredible.

    • mykleraus Says:

      Everything about the fallout from Jack’s death (“death”) has been very good. Kate Mansi deserves to have an interesting character written for her, because she can clearly handle it. And I got a few chuckles out of Jennifer being all, “Yes, yes, Jack was here tonight, and now he’s gone. Oh well.”

      Great observation about Koslow’s delivery of the “five minutes” line. She’s just been pitch-perfect this week. The scenes with her, Brady, and John were phenomenal, too.


  2. […] we talk about how I’m clairvoyant, since the day after I described Ian as constantly acting as though he’s in a production of Macbeth, he actually QUOTED MACBETH […]


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