I’ll Take a Stocking Full of Dog Shit, Please

Are they seriously having little Johnny’s eye removed as part of this cancer storyline? Yikes.

They’re handling it well (i.e., not making a huge joke of it, like they did when Phillip lost his leg), and retinoblastoma is a serious condition that affects young children — Matthew Ashford’s daughter had it — but cripes. What a downer.

Salem kids are really having the worst Christmas ever. Let’s review:

JOHNNY: You’re losing an eye!

CIARA: Your mom is in prison, and you can’t even visit her because she’s in solitary! Oh, and Daddy ditched you for Christmas to go save her!

THEO: Still autistic!

SYDNEY: You have to be in four thousand scenes a week in which your parents and Rafe and Nicole just keep saying your name over and over!

PARKER: You’re bonding with a daddy who isn’t really your daddy! And your real daddy has terrible hair!

WILL: Sorry, but you’ll never get past second base (even though you’re like 18 and hot as shit) because all your scenes have to revolve around your idiot mom and her problems!

ALLIE: You exist?

(Does it disturb anyone else that 57% of the children on this list belong to Sami?!)

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